I got to meet one of my dearest friends for lunch yesterday. She was telling me about a friend of hers who had gotten married against everyone’s advice and was now dealing with a husband who taunted her and disrespected her – both in their house and in public.

My friend was telling me how frustrated she was and how helpless she felt. “But what can I do?” she was saying. “They’re married now.”

It kind of captured the finality of marriage for me. So, to wrap up our “Future Husband” chat, I want to ask this question:

Can you unconditionally love this man until the day you die?

Note I didn’t ask will you love this man. Because the truth is, there are going to be days where you really won’t feel the love. It’ll be a bad PMS week, he’ll get the flu and be the worst patient ever, whatever.

Sickness, busyness, boredom, and excitement are going to come and go throughout your life. If this guy is not only the love of your life, not only a man you respect, not only a man who cherishes you, not only your best friend, but all of the above, then I think you can safely answer no.

Surprised? 🙂 Actually, the answer is no. You cannot unconditionally love him…on your own. In 1 John 4, it says that God is love. And when we abide in Him, His love is perfected in us. You cannot perfectly love anyone without God’s love existing in you. Because trust me, you’re going to screw up, your future husband is going to screw up. And it will only be because of God’s love that you’ll be able to forgive and move on.

However, that being said, if this guy is belittling you by making jokes at your expense, if he isn’t cherishing you or caring about and for you, if he isn’t giving you a model of Christ by leading you in a way honoring Him, please do not jump into marriage!

You are a child of God! You are precious to Him, so precious in fact that He calls you a “crown of beauty” in Isaiah 62. God delights in you and rejoices over you (Isaiah 62:3-5). No matter what stupid things you’ve done, what awful things you’ve said, whatever sins you’ve committed, if you have repented, you have been wrapped in a “robe of righteousness” by God (that’s Isaiah 61. Seriously – read Isaiah!!).

Which means that no one has the right to make fun of you. If you are in a relationship with a guy who does this, please get out now. Listen to the advice your parents, friends, etc. are giving. Don’t excuse his actions by thinking it’s okay or you deserve it. Don’t think it’s a momentary thing – if you marry this man, you are going to be belittled and chipped away at for the rest of your life. Don’t settle for anyone!

At the risk of sounding like Ike on Runaway Bride, you want a man who will brag about you even when you aren’t there. You want a man who’s proud to hold your hand. You want a man who will treat you like you are the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen, even when you’ve got tonsillitis and you’re running a 102 degree fever (yuck).

I believe marriage is for a lifetime. Except in the case of abuse or adultery, you will be with this guy forever. Now I sound like the kid on The Sandlot – “FORRREEEEVVEERRRR”. Think carefully. Pray continually. Consider wisely. Listen to those who God has placed in your life.

Above all else, remember Proverbs 16:9 – “The mind of a man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” God does have a plan for your life – commit your life to Him and He will lead you straight into the arms of a man who will praise God for you.

I can’t imagine my life with anyone but Jon. I can’t imagine anyone better for me. Like I said before, he fits in my life. He’s the sweetest part of my day, the person I love being with the most. And even when I’m so mad at him I can’t even look at him (that’s usually during the infamous PMS week), I would never trade my life with him for anything.

I hope you guys have enjoyed this little series on Future Husbands! 🙂 Next week we’ll start another segment on writing – it’s one of the questions I get asked the most!

Back in the engagement days… 🙂

I couldn’t resist. I love Enchanted!

Continuing with our “Future Husband” chat, I’m curious what you guys think about this. How do you know if the guy you are dating is “The One”?

Again, this is an area with a lot of different opinions. I’ve heard things like, “I prayed and prayed and prayed and he was the first guy to ask me out, so I know he’s the one.” Or, “He just seems like such a nice guy.” Or my favorite (and the one that drove me nuts when I was asking people this question when Jon and I were dating), “I just knew. When you know, you know.”

Like I said earlier, I was planning on there being some man on the corner who would stop me and say, “Erynn. The guy you’re dating is the one for you. Have a good day.”

Sadly, that didn’t happen. Not so sadly, I have decided that one of the most fun parts of dating is that slightly off-balanced feeling: Where is this going? What do you think the future holds? Do I really think I could still love you if you continuously left all your dirty dishes in the sink?

Jon’s and my relationship had very distinct levels, I think. First, we were Just Friends (yeah. right). That lasted for about two months or so. Then we were Hanging Out, But Not Dating (again. yeah, right). That one lasted two weeks. After that, we were Officially Dating (it was on Facebook, it was official). That lasted about four or five months. Then, one night he told me he loved me (awwww!) and we moved into the Seriously Dating phase. This one was my favorite just because I was completely freaked out, excited, nervous and scared because I was falling head over heels in love and who knew what the future held?

At this point, I was glad I was the girl. I didn’t have to work up the nerve to propose. But, at the same time, I did have to do some really serious thinking and praying. If Jon and I got married, it would completely change the rest of my life. There would be no more me making decisions about money, vacations, time, jobs… it would be us.

I remember asking my pastor how I was supposed to know if this was right or not and I’ll never forget what he said. He said that Jon would fit into everything else in my life – not be forced in, but just fit.

I saw this with my family – I think even if we hadn’t gotten married, Mom and Dad would have adopted Jon. They love him! He meshes so well with my family and I mesh with his – there aren’t awkward moments on either side. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t marry someone because he doesn’t get along with your family (or vice versa), but it does mean that you should SERIOUSLY consider that one. Do you want there to be tension at every holiday? Can you deal with the emotional baggage that comes with that?

Are you in the Seriously Dating phase? Here’s a few questions to discuss:

* Does this man have a deep commitment to Christ?
– If this answer is no, walk away now. You’ll save yourself a world of hurt. Don’t buy into the “I can change him” belief. If he’s going to change, make sure that change is permanent and life-changing before you marry him or spend one more day seriously dating him. Too many girls are blind-sided by the ugly part of marriage after missionary dating. Don’t do it.

* Does this man have a deep commitment to you?
– If you’re always worried about him flirting with other girls, you need to pause the relationship and consider if this is your insecurities or a real issue with the guy. Talk to your parents or pastor.

* Does he respect your opinion?
– If he’s always brushing aside your thoughts, opinions or wants, address the issue. A guy who doesn’t treat you well while you’re dating will NOT treat you better after you get married. Actually, it might change for the worse. Marriage is a team sport – if he’s walking over you when he’s supposed to be charming you, just imagine what’s going to happen after the initial newlywed glow fades.

* How does he treat his family and yours?
– This is one of the ways I realized I wanted to marry Jon. He was so sweet to my mom and sister and would joke and watch sports with my dad and brothers. If the guy you are dating can’t stand to be around your family, you need to very, very carefully think through the ramifications of continuing that relationship. Imagine Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Easter, Birthdays, etc. without your family. Imagine the tension after you have kids and your parents want to visit. Talk through this with your boyfriend, parents and pastor.

* Does he support your dreams for the future?
– If you want to go to school and be a professor of art history, does your boyfriend support that dream? Or, if you want to be a stay-at-home mom, does he realize that you won’t be bringing in income and support that as well? Talk through the future. What does he want to do? Does he have specific goals leading to that?

* Does he have a plan for the future? What is his work ethic?
– This goes along with that last question. This is me being girly, but I wanted a man who would take care of me, not the other way around. I wanted someone who recognized that biblically, he was supposed to be the provider. That didn’t mean that I couldn’t help out, but he was supposed to be the primary worker. If you’re dating a guy who doesn’t have a job, doesn’t have the desire to have a job and just wants to play video games all day, prepare for a frustrating life. It’s not going to get better.

These are just a few of the basic questions Jon and I discussed. This whole time of your life is SO crazy! I hope these give you a few guidelines! I also hope you’re seeing a trend here – keep open communication with the guy you are dating, your parents and your pastor. Having opinions is a good thing in this case! 🙂

What do you guys think? How do you know if he’s The One?

Let’s say you have this amazing Wanted In A Husband List. Maybe it’s like mine and it’s 73 points long. And contains stuff like “Doesn’t wear dog show shoes” (which my list had on it).

So, you’ve got your list, you’ve got your eyes open, you’re of the “marriageable age” (whatever that is for you), and then you meet this amazing guy. He’s a super strong Christian, he’s hilariously funny, he’s smart, he’s the protective type and oh wow, is this guy gorgeous.

BUT this amazing guy does wear dog show shoes. Every day, actually. He thinks they are the most comfortable shoes ever and has four different pairs that he cycles through every week. He’s even asked his mother to be sure he’s got the shoes on when he’s buried someday.

What would you do? 🙂

I’ve heard both sides of the fence with this Husband List issue. Some people think it’s the best thing you can do and you should only marry someone who fits every single quality on there. Others, though, think it sticks you in a box and you’ll miss someone who is perfect for you just because you can’t compromise.

I tend to be more the middle of the road. I think it IS important to know what you are looking for in a guy, and to have some of the Non-Negotiables like I talked about earlier – Christian, obviously, being the more important one. But, I also think when writing this list, you need to do a few things:

1. Do not have a guy in mind as you write the list. Unless you are engaged or married to this man, it defeats the purpose (and if you’re engaged or married you should probably not be writing a list). 🙂

2. Be sure to separate your Non-Negotiables from your Trivial points. I had “Likes and wants kids” which I wasn’t going to budge on. I love kids, I want kids. I wasn’t going to marry someone who was anti-children. But, I also had stuff on there like “Doesn’t like watching golf”. It was something that I would prefer, but not a deal-breaker (and Jon doesn’t watch golf by the way. Yay!).

3. Pray while you’re writing this list. And remember, it’s not the list that will pick your future husband. It’s God. Especially during this time of singleness, pray that God will make His will abundantly clear to you. Maybe it will be someone so surprising, the list will just become meaningless – and that’s fine! Don’t make the list the end-all. Don’t stand up and leave in the middle of a romantic dinner just because the guy doesn’t like coffee. However, don’t stay on this romantic date if the guy tells you he only goes to church to meet pretty girls like you.

I think a list can be an amazing thing because it helps us not to settle. With one guy I dated, my dad even said something about that. “Remember that list? Does he even meet more than two things on there?” The list started out a joke, but if I hadn’t had one, it would have been waaay easy to settle for less than God’s best. That’s what I think the list is good for – in the confusion of a relationship where your emotions are going ballistic, there’s black letters on a piece of white paper that keep you reigned in.

So, what are we going to do about this amazing guy with the dog show shoes? If you can’t even look below his knees because you might see his shoes and then proceed to have a fit, please don’t marry this poor man. Someday he’ll be on one knee and you’ll only see the shoe when you should be seeing the ring.

But, if it’s more like the shoes are just a preference and when you consider the rest of the man, they fade into the background, go ahead. Some things aren’t worth nitpicking. (Plus, one day you’ll be buying the shoes and you can just gradually move him out of those.)

Must-Haves and Preferreds. Keep them in mind when you’re deciding whether or not to date someone, whether or not to marry him.

I want to talk a little more this week about the whole Future Husband thing: How do you know he’s the right one? (and I did not mean to sound like Giselle on Enchanted just then). When Jon and I were dating, I kept waiting for those signs like the guy saw in Fools Rush In – some random man on a street corner telling me I need to marry Jon. Yeah. It didn’t happen. We’ll talk more about that later.

Okay, Trivial time! What are or were some of the less important stuff in a future husband to you guys? 🙂

I was cleaning out some papers the other day and ran across some mementos from when Jon and I were dating. It seems like a really long time ago! I was remembering the first time I met Jon (he seemed so shy – Jon is NOT shy), our first date (lunch became a four-hour event)… lots of fun memories!

I remember feeling half-excited and half-scared-out-of-my-mind the longer we dated. What if he was the guy I was supposed to marry? What if he wasn’t? How was I supposed to know this?

A long time ago, my friend Kaitlin and I wrote up this huge long list of all these qualities we wanted in our future husbands (I consider this list future blackmail for Kaitlin now). 🙂 Some of it was serious – i.e. “Strong Christian”. Most of it wasn’t – i.e. “Coffee Drinker”. (Actually, that one was serious. 🙂

The List had been buried in my desk for a while when Jon and I started dating, but there were a few things on there that stuck with me as I started trying to decide if this was the man for me. I wanted a guy whose walk with Christ wasn’t just words. I wanted someone who had a sense of humor, who liked spending time with me, who fit in with my family and someone who had a family I could fit into as well. 🙂

I wanted a guy who wouldn’t compromise his morals, but would compromise when I picked a chick-flick instead of an action movie for Movie Nights. I wanted a guy who was fun to talk to, interesting to listen to and who wasn’t afraid to show affection in public.

God definitely blessed me with everything I wanted, needed and more. 🙂

So, this trip down memory lane got me wondering: What is it you guys are looking for or did look for in your future husbands? 🙂