I saw this today and was immediately just filled with hope, so I had to share it:

I’ve been reading through Safe in the Arms of God by John MacArthur and really finding a lot of comfort in it. I know that our little one is in heaven, but it is wonderful having verses to back up what I know in my heart.

Nathan got to get Fruity Cheerios at Walmart the other day and he was so excited to eat them, he had to let one of his doggies share in the fun. And he was very specific that both of them needed the “bwue” spoons. 

He is such a nut in front of the camera. We spent a lot of the weekend with Gammy and Pops. Nathan was super stoked to take his new helmet over to their house to play.

Baseball and Memo (Mickey Mouse). Could it get any better? He is so fun. He’ll count to ten for you now if there’s cake or a cookie or some sort of reward in it for him or if he’s not distracted by anything else. It makes me so proud. I love seeing him learn new things and I love listening to him talk. And goodness does the boy talk. If he’s awake, he’s talking.

I think we will hear this often from many of his future teachers.

Jon and I also got to have a date night this weekend. It was low key but very fun. We went to a local burger restaurant that has patio seating and amazing sweet potato fries. I’m pretty sure I could have just ordered the fries and been very happy. Then we went and got dessert at another local coffeehouse and tried (unsuccessfully) to do some birthday shopping for a goofy little boy who lives in our house. We ended up ordering his present on Amazon and I’m VERY excited to get it in the mail.

We are also hoping to move Nathan to a big boy bed the weekend of the 21st. I’m hoping to repaint his room to be a “big boy room”. I’ve found lots of really cute ideas on Pinterest and I’m thinking that we should do all this before the surgery and before we get pregnant again, God willing.

Nathan also got a much needed haircut from Gammy this weekend. Much better! I was about to need to start braiding it to keep it off his neck. 😉

We have had hot, hot, hot humid days and lots of afternoon showers and thunderstorms these last couple of weeks. The rain has been very nice but I’m praying for sunny weather for Nathan’s birthday party on Saturday. It is so hard to believe that two years ago today was my due date!

We have another doctor’s appointment and ultrasound tomorrow to make sure the medicine worked and everything is out. Please pray that we won’t need to do another round of medication and that we can get a surgery date within the next few weeks. We are very anxious to get the cysts removed and begin to try again.

Also, I just want to say THANK YOU for all of the wonderful comments, emails and Facebook messages you all have sent me over the last several weeks. I am finally getting a chance to read and reread them all and I am so blessed by them. Each of your prayers and notes have been such an encouragement to me and Jon. Love, love to you all. Please let me know how I can be praying for you as well.

 We spent most of yesterday with my family Wednesday, which was very fun. We played games, Nathan got to swim and we roasted marshmallows and shot off fireworks. We are right in the middle of monsoon season here, so every afternoon about five-ish, the weather turns yucky and we occasionally get rain with lots of thunder and lightning.

Nathan wasn’t quite sure about badminton. He could not figure out why we weren’t running after we hit the “ball”. 😉 

Then it was time for a popsicle in the pool with Pops. And the boys had a jumping contest for Nathan:

This didn’t end as painfully as it looks like it did.

Ha! He thought it was the most hilarious thing in the world. He’s been a fish lately – we will throw a pair of goggles on the seat part of the hot tub and he will hold his breath, dive down, pick them up and come back up without breathing under water. I can’t believe he’s already doing this and he’s not even two. It scares me to death to think what he’ll be like next year in the pool.

Nathan with his “more”. He was too busy getting s’more stuff for everyone else to sit and eat his, so he only took about two bites. That’s my son. The only time he is still is when he’s sleeping.

The fireworks. He loved the sparklers but wasn’t the biggest fan of the other things we got. After each one finished, he would say, “All done!” and we’d have to tell him there was still more. That last picture just makes me laugh.

He’s become so funny. Yesterday, I ran with him to Walmart and I was trying to check the list to make sure we got everything and he said, “No, Mommy, Naynen do it!” so, I handed him the list and he looked at it and frowned and said, “Hmm…hmm…” and then he yelled, “Oh no!” I said, “Did we forget something, Nathan?” and he said, “Yes! Oreos!”

He is too much like his mama sometimes. 😉

Yesterday, we went back to the doctor for yet another ultrasound to see if everything was out and unfortunately, the pregnancy sac was still there. The good news – if there was good news in that situation – was that the sac looked empty, which meant that sometime over the last week or so, my body had realized the baby was gone and had reabsorbed it.

Which at first made me very sad but the more I thought about it, the more I decided that just meant this little one will always be a part of us.

Since nothing had passed, I had to take misoprostol yesterday. It was a very long, emotional, rough, painful day. The cramping got so bad at one point that I had to take a vicodin on top of the 800mg of Motrin I was taking and use a heating pad. By 6:15 last night, though, the majority seemed to be out. And the cramping and bleeding has finally lessened significantly now.

I spent most of yesterday in tears because even though I’ve known it was over for a week, it was actually over yesterday. Part of me really needed the closure and the ability to just grieve. My parents came over last night after Nathan was in bed just to check up on me and bring me a milkshake. They have a blood pressure monitor and because of all the bleeding, my blood pressure was very, very low. I called the on-call doctor and she told me to drink as much as possible and making sure I didn’t start feeling dizzy or I was going to have to go back to the ER. That did not sound fun at all, so I downed four glasses of water, milkshake and orange juice before bed last night.

My blood pressure is much better today and I’m actually feeling okay. I took a three hour nap while Nathan was sleeping today and I’ve been doing my best to look forward. We are going to get a tree this weekend for our yard in honor of our little one. We are praying hard that our doctor will be able to get us in for my laparoscopy the first week of August so we can begin trying again.

Thank you friends for all your prayers for this very, very long month. I know I could never have made it through this without the huge circle of prayer, support and hugs.

I finally went to church this morning. I think I’ve missed the last five weeks just due to everything going on and the constant on-and-off again bed rest. And I made it. The last song had me sobbing, but I held it together through the majority of church.

It’s the little victories right now.

The last few days have actually been good. I’ve felt covered in prayer, thanks to so many of you, friends and family. I’ve felt covered in grace. I still doubt and I still struggle and I still have questions but I think I’ve recognized that I will ALWAYS have those questions. I will always struggle at some point or another with what has happened. I will always question God’s goodness in this situation.

But, at some point, I have to listen to what I sing to Nathan every day:

Jesus loves me. This I KNOW. For the Bible tells me so.

Sometimes, you have to go back to the basics. In a lot of ways, I feel like everything I have always believed about God has had to be relearned. WHY is God good? What does that mean? Does Jesus really love me? What does that look like in day to day life?

I’ve started reading Job again. It’s a familiar story. Job loses everything – wealth, property, animals and most of all, ALL of his children. His reaction is what gets me though. After he heard this news, he tore his clothes, fell to the ground, worshiped God and said this:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked I shall return there.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

If that wasn’t enough, it ended the chapter with this verse: “Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.”

How much I have to learn. How much I have to grow.

We have been trying to fill the days with fun things. I tend to get very withdrawn and depressed if I sit and think too much right now. It is good to stay up and keep focused on the wonderful blessings I have around me. Especially a precious little boy who is about to turn two in two weeks.

I can’t believe we are so close already.

We are doing a – you guessed it – baseball (or “BEEBALL”) themed birthday party, so Gammy, Nathan and I went shopping this last week at Party City and Walmart for a few fun things to use. This picture is about as perfect as it gets at showing what a great mix Nathan is of me and Jon:

Baseballs in both hands and a Starbucks under the arm. That’s my baby.

Afterwards, we found a helmet (Nathan calls them “hulms”) on clearance and he was SO excited about it that I just couldn’t resist. He wore it through the entire store.

Oh, and all the way home. Yes, he is still cheesing like this. Oh the school yearbook pictures I’m already planning to keep as blackmail. 😉

Friday night, we decided we needed just a fun family night and so Jon, Nathan and I ran a couple of errands and then went to Olive Garden for dinner. Where Nathan loudly told everyone in a twenty yard vicinity that “I weddy for dinnewr!!” Every single person who walked by was asked where his dinner was. “Whewr is dinnewr?” “Naynen dinnewr?” “I need dinnewr!” I told him at one point that the waiter was going to bring bread first and he yelled, “MMMM!! BWEAD!! Yay bwead!!”

The food finally came and the boy did not stop eating. He ate one and a half breadsticks, a whole huge bowl of macaroni and cheese, a bowl of grapes and since he scarfed all that down before Jon and I could finish our meal, we ordered him some ice cream too.

The waiter set the bowl in front of him and Nathan said, “Oh! Ice weam!” And then he started singing. “Happy to you, Naynen. Happy to you, Naynen!” He had to finish the birthday song before he ate the ice cream.

I don’t think I will ever be bored with him around.

Yesterday, Clint, Leigh Ann and Hayley all came over for dinner. It really was a good distraction. I only sat down for maybe 30 minutes yesterday, which ended up being a good thing. The more I sit, the more I think and right now, I just want to do.

Nathan was beyond thrilled to see his adorable friend again. Notice the sticker on his shirt? Our local grocery store gives them to the kids and he now asks for stickers at every cashier wherever we are. “Asks” being a nice way of saying “demands”.

He is becoming the biggest boy. Today, he got to have cereal for the first time and I don’t think he has ever been more proud of himself.

He is definitely in the terrible twos. His newest saying is “No, Naynen do it!” I promise I hear this at least 642 times a day. And if I say, “No, Mommy is going to do it,” he throws a huge fit. We went to lunch and did some errands with Gammy today and he was just awful. I think we are still readjusting to life as it is now.

I am still readjusting too.

I’m really doing my best to look ahead. God willing, I will be able to have the laparoscopic surgery for the endometriosis they found on my ovaries in the next several weeks so we can begin to try again. My doctor thinks that it’s the endometriosis that contributed to the miscarriage, so my prayer is that with it removed, maybe we will be able to get pregnant quickly and carry the baby successfully.

Sometimes I just get crushed with sadness. I feel like there is this weight in my heart that I just can’t lift. So, I get up and keep doing things. I made and froze 18 breakfast burritos yesterday. My bathroom has never been cleaner. I worry that if I stop and truly think about what is happening, I will never get up again.

When Nathan was tiny tiny, I would always rock and sing him to sleep. One of my absolute favorite songs to sing to him was Chris Rice’s “Come to Jesus”. Once Nathan turned one, he stopped wanting to be rocked to sleep, he just wanted to be laid in bed.

He must know that something is up because for the last three days, he’s let me rock him and sing him to sleep again for bed and nap time. He’ll lay his head on my shoulder and as soon as the song ends he’ll say, “More song? More song, Mommy?” I’ve been singing that song again and it’s just been a reminder to myself that this isn’t IT. This isn’t the end. All day on Tuesday all I could think was “we have no hope” since we couldn’t even see our sweet baby anymore. But God has been reminding me of Paul’s words in 1 Thessalonians that we are not like those who have no hope – we who are in Christ have the assurance that this life is as bad as it gets for us. Soon, we will be in heaven and my family will be complete.

I am still struggling. I am still asking why. I don’t think I will ever understand. I worry that my trust in God will never be the same as it was before this. I am hoping that Romans 8:26 is right in that the Holy Spirit prays for us when we can’t pray in our weakness. My prayers have become a jumbled mix of desperate pleas and tearful questions.

God is faithful. I have been trying to focus on the “is” in that verse. He IS faithful. Not was, not will be. Is.

I believe, Lord. Help my unbelief.

Thank you for praying for me.

I am not sure how I’m doing. Okay and not okay. Good all things considering and terrible all things considering. One minute I’m busy doing things and distracted and the next minute I’m crying as I’m reminded that our little one is no longer with us.

In a lot of ways, I’m just numb. I can’t believe that we are here at this place again. Twice in the last three weeks I’ve been told the baby is gone. Our miracle heartbeat gave me so much hope that I would get to see and hold this baby someday and it just seems cruel of God to take that away again. I know in my head that God is not cruel – I know in my head that He loves me. It’s just hard to know that in my heart right now.

I’m so beyond sad. At times, I’m angry. Other times, I’m terrified that God will take something else away from me. What if something happens to Nathan? Or to Jon? I can’t even bear the thought.

I started cramping today and I’m still bleeding so I know it’s only a matter of time. I am doing my absolute best to look ahead. I’ll need to get the cysts removed on my ovaries sometime in the next month or so. Then we have the green light to try again. And while I hope and pray that we can get pregnant and that it is much easier this time around, I’m also heartbroken that it won’t be this baby. And I’m terrified that this will happen again.

Jon started teaching summer school and today was the first day I’ve been home alone with Nathan in over a month. In a way, it was very cathartic to have some semblance of normalcy – I got him out of his crib this morning, we ate breakfast together and ran some errands. He was so happy. I could just see a huge difference in his mood since we were back home and I was back to holding him.

Please keep praying for us. I don’t understand why this is happening. I’m clinging with every shred of my being to the most basic, simple truths about God that I know. God is good. God is in control.

I’m sure all of you know about the Waldo Canyon Fire raging through Colorado Springs right now. Please, please pray for the people there. Our dear friends who live there – Greg, Jen and little Noah – just got an evacuation order. It has been a good reminder to me today that we are not the only ones in this world suffering. We live in a fallen world.

How I long for heaven.

Please watch this video. Doug Nuenke, the president of The Navigators, a huge Christian ministry in Colorado Springs who also heads up NavPress (my publisher) was interviewed today by Fox News. What he says ministered to me and I’m sure the thousands of people who have been evacuated by this fire.

Watch the latest video at <a href=”http://video.foxnews.com”>video.foxnews.com</a>

Prayers are needed, dear friends.

We had another ultrasound today and they were unable to find the baby, much less a heartbeat. Please, please pray for us. I don’t understand how we could perfectly see the baby two weeks ago and it is just gone today – this is almost twice as hard after seeing our miraculous heartbeat last ultrasound.

I am heartbroken. Pray for us. Please pray as I don’t have the words to pray for us right now.

Thank you friends.

The last few days have been pretty slow. Normally, I’m the type of person who needs to be up doing things all the time. I rarely ever stay at home and I definitely don’t sit for long periods of time unless I’m working on a deadline.

So having to sit and having the extra worry about the fact that I’m still bleeding has made for a very long week. And not just for me – Nathan has been extra, extra grouchy lately and I think he’s missing his Mommy/Nathan play time.

His mommy is too.

Yesterday and today, he’s spent a lot of time just sitting on my lap on the couch, eating snacks or just talking to me. I’ve soaked up every second of it. I’ve missed my baby.

My parents are out of town right now and on Tuesday, Jon got his wisdom teeth out. So, we called and asked if my mother-in-law, Connie, would be able to come out here and help since I’m not really supposed to be doing much and we figured Jon would be sore.

It has been so nice to have her here! And Jon is doing great – he’s not swollen, he’s barely taken his pain medication, he’s doing awesome. Much better than I did when I got mine out. 😉

 I have been spending a lot of time in the Psalms lately. They have been how I get through the day without falling apart from the worry a lot of the time. I love Psalm 27:13-14: “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.” I love that. No matter what happens with this baby I know that I will see him or her someday because in Christ we have that promise of the “land of the living”!!

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Thank you so much for the prayers you have given for us!! Love to you all,

This weekend was brought to us by Amazon.com. I’ve never been more thankful for their two-day shipping and shopping from my couch!

We’ve been staying over at my parents’ house just because of the extra help since I’m officially on the couch and I forgot my camera, so all of the pictures I got of Jon and Nathan yesterday were with my phone.

It was a low key Father’s Day but God willing, we will get to have a HUGE celebration next year. I’m still spotting and bleeding, so please keep praying for me. I’m trying my best not to worry and to keep praying and turning that worry into praise and prayer, but it’s sometimes easier said than done. I have been so blessed by your sweet emails and messages and comments – thank you, thank you, dear friends. A lot of times, I will read back through them when I’m feeling especially worried and just feel so much better after realizing how many people are praying for our little one.

Our next appointment is a week from tomorrow. I’ll be ten weeks by then and we are praying for some significant growth. The progesterone the doctor has me on has been making me somewhat sick to my stomach, tired and at times makes me feel dizzy. So, I’ve been very thankful to have a wonderful husband off of work and family to help watch Nathan while I lay down on the couch.

Please continue to pray for us. We are so blessed to be here – I know that God has a plan for this baby, whatever it may be.

I am still in shock, I think. I feel so blessed, so humbled, so many different emotions about our wonderful miracle!!

We are not in the clear – I am still bleeding and sometimes it’s much worse than just spotting. PLEASE keep us in your prayers. I had more blood tests run on Wednesday and it looks like my progesterone levels are low, so the doctor put me on a progesterone supplement twice a day. I’m praying hard that helps the bleeding to stop quickly!! They weren’t able to see what is causing the bleeding – my cervix is closed and everything looks fine in my uterus, which is wonderful news, but it’s also a little disconcerting to not know where this bleeding is coming from.

I’m also back on semi-bed-rest. Basically, I’m just supposed to take it very easy for a while. I’ve never been so happy to be on bed rest, but it does leave an awful lot of time to just sit and worry. Please pray for my heart – I’m doing my best to rest in God’s plan for our little one whatever that is, but that’s easier said than done a lot of the time. I’m going to try my best to use this time to get ahead on my deadlines and pray and pray and pray.

And while I’ve got you praying, will you also keep several of my dear friends who have struggled with miscarriages in your prayers? I have felt so burdened for them over the last two days. I don’t understand what God is doing but I will praise Him – regardless of what happens with our little one.

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for your prayers – I am so very, very thankful!!

Love to all of you,