Tomorrow is The Day.

I’m nervous. I’ve been trying to stay busy, stay up and moving around, stay positive. I’m praying, praying that the surgery goes perfectly, that God guides the doctor’s hands, that the cysts are easily removed without damaging my ovaries and that we are able to get pregnant and sustain a pregnancy through completion soon.

But, even if that isn’t the case, He is still good.

I will keep you all posted on the outcome, but in the meantime, if you could just keep me in your prayers? The surgery starts at 11:30 MST tomorrow. I so appreciate it! And know that I am continuing to pray for you as well.

Love to all of you.

I hear this at LEAST once a day.

“Pway owsite? Pway owsite, Mommy?”

Which is always a welcome thing because it feels like 117 degrees outside here with an extreme UV index and inside our house it’s 72 degrees and air conditioned. The obvious choice is to play outside. 😉 We are loving the backyard this summer but I am SO ready for fall. I am definitely a cool weather girl.

This morning did not go quite as we planned. One of our cars was in the shop and Jon was going to ride his bike to school so I could have the car and go to Lunch Bunch. But his alarm didn’t go off and I happened to wake up right before he usually left. So, he didn’t have time to ride his bike and he had to take the car instead.

Which meant Nathan and I had a day at home. We had a lot of fun. 🙂

We made pancakes, we took a walk and since we were all sweaty and gross and needed a bath before nap time anyway, we played in the backyard for a little while.

He’s such a nut. He’ll suddenly yell “smiwle!” and do this:

Then say “fwown!” and do this:

Ha! Cheeky boy.

I was sitting on his picnic bench when I saw this little guy:

and had to make the tough call between being who I really am and being a cool mother. Sadly for this little boy, he got a mom who hates all things that move unless they are dogs or humans (and I don’t even like some of them). He pretty much got the short straw when it comes to moms who will catch snakes and spiders and who knows what other awful things inhabit this earth.

BUT. My desire for Nathan to have fun memories of me is pretty strong. So, I hurried Nathan over to where the lizard was and everything was nice and calm at first. They pretty much just both looked at each other. (P.S. I absolutely ADORE that he puts his hands behind his back when he’s not sure about something. I think it’s just the cutest thing.)

Then the lizard moved and Nathan thought that was hysterical.

Um, yes, I’ll take those 100,000,000,000 Cool Mom Points, thank you. 😉

Cutie pie. 🙂 Totally worth being within two feet of a reptile. 😉 I saw two different baby lizards, so apparently, we are the proud owners of a lizard family in our backyard. Oh the joy.

I do want to say THANK YOU so much from the bottom of my heart for all the prayers for this coming week. I am so grateful. And I will be praying for you all as well. I’ve had a few people recommend a couple of websites that suggest going on an “endometriosis diet”  – aka no wheat, dairy, soy, sugar or red meat (if I’m reading everything right).  Oh my. Theoretically, it will help my body not produce as much estrogen, which in turn will help the cysts stop growing. So, we had wheat and dairy free pancakes with honey this morning. 😉

Praying for y’all!

Today just seems like a good day for prayer.

I’m exactly one week away from my laparoscopy to remove the endometriosis and I’m getting more nervous by the minute. What if it doesn’t work? What if they can’t get the endometriomas out without damaging my ovaries? What if we aren’t able to get pregnant or carry the baby to term again? I’m reading up on endometriosis diets, ways to increase the odds of conception, how to regain some hormonal balance in the midst of this disease.

All these fears. All these worries. All this concern over a surgery that hasn’t even happened yet.

Do you ever have problems with this?? I’ve always joked that worrying is my spiritual gift, but I know it’s a sin. I worry over everything. Before Jon, I worried I’d never meet the right guy. Then I worried we’d never get pregnant. Now this. I worry about my crazy son constantly it seems like. That he’ll get hurt. That he’ll grow up without learning discipline. Or the absolute worst, that he’ll grow up and turn his back on God.

I worry that maybe I’m a terrible mother and that’s why the infertility and the miscarriage happened. I worry that God hasn’t forgiven me for a million sins throughout my life and this is the result.

How much I have to learn about our Heavenly Father.

I’m reading Hannah’s Hope now by Jennifer Saake and I really want to recommend it to those of you struggling through infertility and miscarriages along with me. I’ve already learned so much, but there’s a few things that have stood out to me more than others so far:

1. God loves us. He gave up His only Son for us – I can’t even comprehend a love like that.

2. I struggle big time with envy. I envy my friends who are pregnant, those who have a big family like I’ve always wanted or those who just had babies. I can’t even tell you the tears I’ve cried over women who I know weren’t even trying and got pregnant with babies they didn’t necessarily even want. I have a feeling this will be something that takes time for God to work on in me. But I am making progress.

3. There is a difference between punishment and discipline, between judgement and refinement. I know that I am not the most stellar of mothers, but I pray every day that if Nathan learns anything from me, he learns to follow Jesus. May God use this endometriosis, this infertility and this miscarriage to change me more and more into the likeness of His Son.

I know I’ve opened up the comments for prayer requests before, but I really just feel like I need to do that again today. Please share if there’s something that you are struggling with today so that I can be praying for you. And please pray for the others who have left comments as well.

Jon and I spent the better part of the weekend and the last several days turning this sweet little nursery:

Into a big boy bedroom! We stole our idea shamelessly off Pinterest (original idea here!) and I absolutely love it. The navy on the bottom of the walls is a little darker than I had intended, but I think it works fine. 🙂

Dry rollers work the best when you are only two. 😉

The baseball wall!! Jon did almost all of it – I think it looks amazing!

We used to have this little red chair in the living room and Mom suggested moving it into the bedroom. I love it! It’s a little reading area. 😉 I still need to get some things for the walls and change out the lampshade, but that can be a work in progress. 😉

This was when we first showed him the baseball wall. I love his expression! Ha! Nathan adores his “bayball woom”. He kept staring at it and saying, “da bayball wall! Da bayball paint!” 😉

Monday, we set up his big boy bed that my parents very graciously helped us get for him. I spent Monday night and Tuesday washing the new bedding and last night was his first night in the big boy bed.

Think he’s excited?? 😉

And of course I had to take pictures of his last night in the crib. We moved the crib to the playroom during the renovation. He’s so sweet. I cannot, cannot believe he’s not going to be in the crib anymore.

After he woke up from nap yesterday, I told him this was his last time to wake up in the crib and he started grinning all happily and said, “Yeah! The bid boy bed!”

I have got to stop blinking because this is what happens when I do. We took the crib down yesterday after nap and stored it in Nathan’s closet. It has been a very emotional couple of days for me here. One because I can’t believe Nathan is already so big and two because I am praying so hard that we have a reason to bring the crib out again someday very soon.

All ready for Nathan last night. 🙂

He was SO EXCITED. We have talked this up for weeks. He was in that bed at least 8 times before bedtime last night, he could not wait. 😉 And then, he raced through telling us goodnight so he could go lay down. Ha!

I didn’t do anything differently than we normally did to put him in bed. I sang to him, kissed his forehead and left while he was still awake. When we went back in about an hour or so later, this is what we found – fast asleep! He is SO cute. I just can’t get over how tiny he is in that bed!

He slept for almost 13 hours and was laying there waiting for me when I finally went in there and checked on him at 9:30, so all my fears about a night without sleep were unfounded. God is good. We have prayed so hard over this bed, over this new room and over our son. Right now I feel like this week it’s the big boy bed and next week, he’s going to be packing up and leaving for college. How I pray that the days go slowly so I can soak up every second with my baby!

This is a typical shot of Nathan every weekday morning:

We are pretty fond of Cindy Lou Who’s brother. 😉

We spent the weekend painting, painting and painting! Jon and I started taping up Nathan’s room before he went to bed Friday, painted until late Friday night and then got up and painted the whole day on Saturday. I love how it turned out! I’ll show before and afters next post. 🙂

Nathan and Kody stayed occupied outside Friday night while we finished up taping. Nathan adores Kody.

Kody is still not too fond of Nathan unless he’s eating something. 😉

My amazing parents came and picked up Nathan Saturday morning and took him out to get donuts, per his request. Stinker. He’s so funny. His birthday visit to Krispy Kreme apparently struck a memory chord, because he has talked about it since. “And den we got donuts?” Mom and Dad kept him the rest of the day so we could get Nathan’s room done. Thank you all so much!!

We also celebrated my brother Caleb’s birthday on Saturday, so as soon as we finished painting we showered really fast and then raced over to meet everyone for a birthday dinner. We went to a Mexican food restaurant here that Caleb loves and Nathan very, very LOUDLY sang Happy Birthday to him during dinner. The people sitting right behind us started clapping and then the rest of the room started clapping. Ha! I was crying I was laughing so hard. And Nathan was so proud of himself. Poor Caleb. 😉

 Nathan is still the resident helper when it comes to unwrapping gifts. 😉

My brother and my mom with a version of her infamous baseball cake. For the record, I liked this version a lot better, mostly because it was really mine and Caleb’s favorite dessert, Oreo Smush, just dressed up a little. 😉

Bryant and Nathan decided to photo bomb Caleb and Gammy. 😉

Me and the birthday boy. I could not ask for better brothers than the ones God gave me!

Today, Nathan and I went to Lunch Bunch at Leigh Ann’s house and played (i.e. pushed, shoved, kicked, hugged, and said, “I swowwy!” 162 times). So much fun! And Eryn brought sweet little Gracie who was born on Nathan’s birthday! I love that they are birthday buddies!! This is an awful picture but all I had was my phone and it was difficult to get anything that didn’t have constant movement in it with that many kids around. 😉

Nathan and Bennett. The boys have to stick together in this sea of girls. Especially since the only other boy there, Nathan’s dear friend Joel, is going to be leaving us to go to kindergarten in August. We are very sad about this.

We ran to the grocery story afterwards, came home, I put Nathan down and I am sitting here about to go get my second glass of sweet iced tea. It has been SO HOT lately. I am so very, very ready for fall!! I am not a warm-weathered person at all.

I saw this the other day and just thought it was such a great reminder:

“Don’t be afriad, for the Lord will go before you and will be with you; He will not fail you.”
– Deut. 31:8

I love that, especially thinking back to the last six weeks and looking ahead to the surgery two weeks from yesterday. He will not fail. Even if by our plan it doesn’t go right, His plan never fails.

We have spent the week getting back into our normal routine. My grandmother, Nama, left on Monday morning and I’m so glad she came. I absolutely love spending time with her. And Nathan adored her. He talked to her nonstop. If she was trying to talk to someone else, he’d sit or stand next to her and say, “Memaw. Memaw. MEMAW. MEMAW!” Ha! He’s classic with that. He’ll always say “Mommy. Mommy. Mom. MOMMY. MAMA!! MOMMY!!” anytime I’m not responding, just getting louder and louder and louder. Or, “Beemy. Beemy. BEEMY. BEEMY!!” when he wants Gammy.

I wish she lived closer so we could see my grandmother more often.

Nathan called “Memaw” on his phone (also known as his hand) about eight times on Monday. He’d look at his palm, press around on it and say, “Beep, beep, beep.” Then he’d put his hand on his ear and say, “Memaw? Memaw? You on da pwane? On the pwane, Memaw? Otay. Bye Memaw! I wuv you, Memaw.” 🙂 Cute boy.

He wants to be like the big boys so much. Ha! Anything Jon, my dad or either of my brothers does, he immediately tries to copy it – even down to how they sit. We were getting ready to leave for the night to put him in bed and he was stalling by pretending he was really into the game on TV. 😉 (And just for the record, he only gets his “baba” (pacifier) when he’s on his way to bed. 😉 )

When I was pregnant with Nathan, my mom gave me this necklace with Nathan’s birthstone on it at his baby shower and I absolutely love it. Mom found this little heart charm made by the same people after the miscarriage and I think it’s a perfect way to honor that little one in heaven. (She got it at www.heartonyourwrist.com) My friend Melanie also gave me a beautiful necklace in honor of our little one. They both mean so much to me. I’m so blessed to be so surrounded by love and support.

Jon decided to wash the car the other day when he got home from work and I have never seen Nathan more excited to help Daddy.

He actually did a great job helping! He got completely soaked and sudsy. 😉

Best buddies. I love this picture!

Tonight, Jon and I have a painting date to turn Nathan’s baby room into a big boy room while he sleeps and tomorrow while he’s at Gammy and Pops’. His new big boy bed should be here by next Friday. Hopefully his first night in the bed can be that same day so that if it’s a very long night, we can all take naps on Saturday. I cannot even believe that we are already moving him to a new bed.

Wasn’t this just last week??

There has been very little talked of in our house with Nathan over the last two months other than his “happy” and his “beeball pawty”. Almost everyday he would make some reference to his “happy beeball pawty.”

It was SO fun when it finally was here!

When we were trying to decide what theme to go with the obvious choices were baseball and Mickey Mouse. Baseball just seemed to be the easier theme to recreate because really, what does Mickey Mouse eat?? 😉

We totally embraced the stadium experience. Hot dogs, popcorn, Cracker Jacks, nachos. We had every form of sugar you could imagine. Cokes, snow cones, cotton candy, cake… But you only turn two once, right? 😉

My birthday boy! This is “weekend Nathan” at Gammy and Pops – the boy rarely wears a shirt when he’s around the pool.

This was Nathan’s favorite, favorite, favorite part of the party – the Slip N Slide!! Jon probably pushed him down that thing at least seventy times and I wish I was kidding. He was shaking the water was so cold and he kept wanting to go do it again.

Happy birthday boy!

He thinks he’s pretty cool. His mom is in agreement. 😉

My favorite two boys in the entire world – love these two so much I can’t even stand it.

The babies just got passed around all the grandparents. 😉 The little one is my neighbor’s new son, Josiah, and the other is Mel’s son Bennett. My parents and grandmother worked super hard helping us get the party set up – thank you so much! I am so grateful for you all!

Kids’ table!! Love Julia’s expression in the last one. 😉

Everyone lining up for snow cones! My siblings – Caleb, Cayce, Bryant and their friend Amanda – worked SO hard to equally dispense the sugar. 😉 Thank you so much!! 🙂

My siblings were a big hit with the kids. 😉 Nathan adores his aunt and uncles!

Every single present was met with a loud round of “WHOA!!” and “WOW!” Ha!

I love the helpers. 😉

The baseball pinata!! Whoever makes those things at Party City did a stand-up job because it seriously took like 20 minutes to break that thing. Nathan got bored and ended up here:

I love how he’s still watching the pinata action. 😉

But it finally broke and you could totally pick out the kids who knew what a pinata was and what was in it. 😉

Making off with the fruit snack loot. 😉

I LOVE THIS CAKE! Fun story about this cake – my mom made this exact cake for both of my brothers when they were little. I think Caleb requested it every year from ages three to seven. 😉 I love that she made it for Nathan!!

Cutie blowing out the candles.

Frosting face. Gotta love the green teeth that accompany this cake. 😉

The birthday boy’s exhausted parents. It’s hard work having a kid turn two!! I crashed big time once we got home. I was so bummed though to realize that we never got a picture of everyone in their baseball outfits – my whole family and a lot of our friends wore baseball T-shirts. Jon, Bryant and Caleb had those stick-on eye black and they wrote on them so when they stood next to each other it said, “Nathan O’Brien Is Two Years Old”. Ha! Love it!!

The post-birthday cake pool rinse. He had to try on Daddy’s eye black. 😉

Oh how I love my boy!! Thank you so much to all of our friends and family who made his birthday such a wonderfully special weekend!! We love you all so much!

Oh the crazy, fun, busy, exhausting, exciting, fun-filled weekend we have had! We started partying on Friday morning and didn’t stop until Sunday night.

I am completely worn out.

And… drumroll please… I didn’t cry! I was so proud of myself! I got a little teary when I went in to sing happy birthday to him when he woke up on Friday morning, but I held it in.

My big birthday boy in his new shirt. I got him a shirt for his first birthday and he wore it as a nap time shirt up until about a month ago when it just got to be too small.

We got up and went to Krispy Kreme for a little Mommy/Son birthday breakfast date which was so fun. He was so excited about his doughnut and getting to sit in a big boy chair.

Afterward, we went to the zoo and met Gammy, Pops, Nama and Uncle Caleb for a birthday trip to the zoo. We had the best time! And it was the first time I haven’t taken the stroller with us. I really missed the cup holders and the ability to bring 936 things without having to carry it all. 😉

Apparently it was the zoo’s 85th birthday this year, so we had to stop and take a picture with the birthday cake sign. 🙂

After the zoo, we went out to Paradise Bakery for lunch and then hurried home to put Nathan down for a nap so we could transform our living room into a Mickey Mouse party house.  We are SO excited that he got a swing set from Gammy and Pops! Jon and my dad put it together while he was sleeping.

He was SO cute when he woke up. Everyone was here and Jon and I brought him out of his room and he saw everyone in the living room and he looked at me and Jon and asked, “It’s the happy?” all excitedly. So funny. We’ve been telling him about his “Happy Birthday” coming up. Ha!

He was an absolute pro at opening gifts! And he got spoiled ROTTEN. I hope he never takes for granted how much his family loves him!! He kept saying, “Wow!” and “Whooa!” every time he opened something. Ha!

He kept saying “WHOA!” on the swing set.

First time on the new swing set!

Yes. We are thrilled that my siblings decided to give him a drum set. 😉 And their expressions when he opened it were just hilarious. Honestly, he LOVES it and it’s so funny to watch him play them. I just don’t want to hear them too often. 😉

 Out “moaning” the lawn with his new mower.

I was so excited to get this cake!! It originally started out as just an Oreo ice cream cake and I had them add a “MeMo” topper to it. Is that not the most perfect cake for Nathan??!

What a wonderful day! We are so blessed to have such a wonderful family who loves us and celebrates our son with us. I can’t believe my baby is two!!

My precious son,

It feels like we were just celebrating your first birthday. I cannot believe that you are already two and quickly becoming a little boy. I have loved every minute of this last year – even the minutes in the middle of tantrums – because they were spent with you. You are the biggest blessing to us, sweet son!

You are the absolute light of mine and Daddy’s lives. I cannot wait for you to wake up in the morning and after you go to bed, Daddy and I sit and talk about all the funny things you say and do. You are a complete joy, sweet boy! God has blessed us abundantly with your presence in our lives!

What a year this has been – what a fun, busy, exciting, heartbreaking and joy-filled year we’ve had!

I remember when you turned one thinking that you were so old. I couldn’t believe my baby was not really a baby anymore. And now, looking at your first birthday pictures, you just seem so little and so baby-ish in all your expressions. You were barely saying anything distinguishable and hardly standing up by yourself then and now, you talk constantly – from the minute you wake up until the minute you fall asleep and run, hop or jump everywhere you go.

You are so funny. I spend half of the day laughing at the things you say and do. You absolutely love being the center of attention and you love making everyone laugh. I love that about you! I pray that you will always be a boy and a man who spreads joy and infectious fun to everyone you meet. Baby, you are such a character. I just love seeing the hilarious little kid you are becoming!

You also have a big stubborn streak that we’ve seen really come out in the last few months. While it’s usually half-funny, half-frustrating to constantly hear, “No, Naynen do it!” it just makes me realize even more what a big boy you are becoming. I pray all the time that you are stubborn for good things as you grow up. That you cling to Jesus through childhood and adulthood, through joy and pain. Sweet Nathan, I want so desperately for you to know the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.

 I love that you are becoming so affectionate. When you were littler, you were never the biggest cuddler and you still aren’t. But you have moments every day where you come running over, give me hugs and kisses and tell me that you love me. I adore that. I treasure each and every one of those moments. You have really gotten into your reading time before naps and we will rock in the rocking chair and read for forever. I love that!

There is always going to be a part of me that is sad to see how quickly you are growing up. But oh, how much fun you are! I so wish I could freeze time and keep you this age – teetering somewhere between big boy and baby. I am soaking up every second that I can with you, my precious, precious son because I know I will blink and you’ll be moving out of my house. It makes me teary even thinking of that day. I want these years with you to go by in slow motion so I can enjoy every last moment.

You have taught me so much about God’s love, Nathan. I love you so much it aches sometimes. And because you are here, I now have a better understanding how much God loves us. If I love you this much, how much more does God love us? Honey, I would hold you forever and keep you this age when I can fix every owie you have, but I know that God’s plan for you is far better than my hopes and dreams for you. I pray so hard for you, baby boy. I pray more for you than I have ever prayed for anyone in my life.

This past month has not been an easy one in this house. I know you’ve picked up on that, even though you can’t quite grasp it yet. There have been many days where I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t had you to hold and kiss and cuddle with. Precious boy, no matter what happens in the future, you are and always will be a big brother. We were driving home the other day and you were singing your own words and melody to the worship song on the radio and asked me to sing too and I realized that at that moment, we were as close to doing an activity as family of four as we would ever be, because your little sibling gets to worship and sing to Jesus every day. You have been so sweet over this last month – coming and sitting with me while I was on bed rest and snuggling in. It was precious to me.

I love you son. I love you so much it’s hard to put into words. You are the child I prayed for before you were born and the son I adore. You are so loved, sweetie. You are surrounded by family and friends who love you and pray for you! God has given me more than I could ever imagine. Sweet Nathan, I am so thankful for you! Daddy and I could not love you more.

Happy 2nd birthday, my sweet baby!

I love you so much,

Mommy

Thank you so much for your prayers for my appointment. The ultrasound came back clear as far as anything left inside my uterus, which was a huge answer to prayer. We also got to talk with my doctor about the surgery and got a date for August 2nd, which is absolutely perfect because it is Jon’s first day of vacation after teaching summer school.

My left ovary doesn’t look very good – apparently, the cyst is inside the ovary, which makes it much harder to get to without damaging the ovary. The right ovary does not look as bad, thank God. We are praying for a very easy removal!

Monday night, we went to Jon’s softball game. My sweet friend Eryn and her daughter Evie were there as well to watch their husband/dad and we all ended up in the dugout because it starting pouring down rain right as the game started. They finally called it and we all went to dinner. Nathan absolutely adores Evie. They had the best time impersonating the Count from Sesame Street and it was great that they were entertaining each other because that meant all the adults could actually visit over dinner.

My wonderful grandmother came in town yesterday which means that the birthday celebration week has begun! We drove over to Gammy’s house to see “Memaw” or Nama, as the rest of us call her this morning right after Nathan woke up, so he got to eat a very healthy breakfast of a chocolate chip granola bar in the car.

We went birthday party shopping and then out to eat at Firehouse Subs for lunch. Nathan cheesed for me in his “fwierfwiwer” (firefighter) hat.

He’s a mess. 😉

My beautiful mother and grandmother. I am blessed to have these women in my life!!

So excited about this weekend. After this last month, we are very grateful and blessed to look forward to a fun-filled week celebrating our sweet little boy.