Today just seems like a good day for prayer.
I’m exactly one week away from my laparoscopy to remove the endometriosis and I’m getting more nervous by the minute. What if it doesn’t work? What if they can’t get the endometriomas out without damaging my ovaries? What if we aren’t able to get pregnant or carry the baby to term again? I’m reading up on endometriosis diets, ways to increase the odds of conception, how to regain some hormonal balance in the midst of this disease.
All these fears. All these worries. All this concern over a surgery that hasn’t even happened yet.
Do you ever have problems with this?? I’ve always joked that worrying is my spiritual gift, but I know it’s a sin. I worry over everything. Before Jon, I worried I’d never meet the right guy. Then I worried we’d never get pregnant. Now this. I worry about my crazy son constantly it seems like. That he’ll get hurt. That he’ll grow up without learning discipline. Or the absolute worst, that he’ll grow up and turn his back on God.
I worry that maybe I’m a terrible mother and that’s why the infertility and the miscarriage happened. I worry that God hasn’t forgiven me for a million sins throughout my life and this is the result.
How much I have to learn about our Heavenly Father.
I’m reading Hannah’s Hope now by Jennifer Saake and I really want to recommend it to those of you struggling through infertility and miscarriages along with me. I’ve already learned so much, but there’s a few things that have stood out to me more than others so far:
1. God loves us. He gave up His only Son for us – I can’t even comprehend a love like that.
2. I struggle big time with envy. I envy my friends who are pregnant, those who have a big family like I’ve always wanted or those who just had babies. I can’t even tell you the tears I’ve cried over women who I know weren’t even trying and got pregnant with babies they didn’t necessarily even want. I have a feeling this will be something that takes time for God to work on in me. But I am making progress.
3. There is a difference between punishment and discipline, between judgement and refinement. I know that I am not the most stellar of mothers, but I pray every day that if Nathan learns anything from me, he learns to follow Jesus. May God use this endometriosis, this infertility and this miscarriage to change me more and more into the likeness of His Son.
I know I’ve opened up the comments for prayer requests before, but I really just feel like I need to do that again today. Please share if there’s something that you are struggling with today so that I can be praying for you. And please pray for the others who have left comments as well.
(((hugs)))
I'm struggle with a lot of things too
I'm struggling with envy, worry, fear, and doubt over a few different things
Praying for you, Erynn. A book I would highly recommend is called "Anxious for Nothing" by John MacArthur. I'm reading it now & it is really good.
Martha A.
I hear you on the worrying Erynn, and I'll be praying! Being the impatient human being I am, I've come to a point of feeling like I've been asking God the same questions forever, waiting for answers forever…I know he's there, but its like he's silent. And I so need him. I would love some prayer for direction. 🙂
Something that really helped me was reading through a book I have, called "Love letters from your King." (By Sheri Rose Shepherd.) A line in one of the letter called "I love you beyond description" caught my attention:
"Never doubt my commitment to you."
I love that! I never need to doubt his commitment to me. He loves me and will follow through!
God bless,
Gracie
(If anyone wants to read the full letter, go to http://diaryofaprincess2011.blogspot.com.au/)
You're not alone in your worries (I worry every time I take my kids to a store that they'll touch something germy and come down with some horrific meningitis or something . . . then my husband and I will catch it . . . and then who will take care of the children?!) Seriously. It's such a hard habit to break. I would like to share a happy-ending story with you: I had a friend who had the same surgery you're about to have about four years ago. She was pregnant within a month! It may not happen quite that fast, but then again, it could. She now has two adorable, Precious-Moments-looking little boys (with huge eyes)! Regardless of what happens, you are SURE to have a happy ending.
Hi Erynn,
I will be praying for you!! God's got you covered :).
Thank you for being so vulnerable and 'real'. I appreciate that…Also, I appreciate your willingness and desire to pray for us. I have been struggling with contentment in my singleness. I know that God needs to be my everything and that only He will ever be able to truly satisfy the deepest desires and needs of my heart…however, since I have never dated anyone (or even had a mutual 'like' it seems…) I struggle with feeling content. Sometimes I feel like I just need to make something happen, yet I know that I truly want God to script my love story. If marriage is what He desires for my life. (Which I pray He does!). But yeah…
I want to just trust God. Maybe that's more the issue than the contentment. Trust. It seems as if I have waves of contentment – like I can be completely fine and happy and all "I don't need a guy in my life right now! I'm not really ready for a relationship anyway! I'm too busy with life and/or too young to deal with being involved with someone." Then the next day (or even later that night) I'll get all teary and emotional and sad about how much I really want to be desired and loved and cared for by someone. It's a roller coaster! :p
I've given that area of my life to God (many times it seems), but it's like I keep pulling it back into my hands or something (or maybe I never completely let it go…). Especially lately…sigh. I just want to be content and trust God in all areas of my life.
Phew.
Thank you so much for your prayers and know I'll be praying for you! And on a side note, I'm thinking it's about time I re-read your books!! 🙂 😉 They make me so happy – along with making me crave chocolate!! 😉 Super excited for the new books to come too. 🙂
Thanks for reading my long prayer request :).
Blessings to you and your family!
-M.
Erynn,
I pray for you a lot and you enter my mind a couple times a day…but since you asked I have a prayer request.
It seems silly, but it's just something that frustrates me to no end. I'm pretty much in love with this wonderful guy…very faith-filled, loves God more than anything, makes me laugh, makes me a better person, is probably my best friend, we talk all the time-and I mean ALL the time, we tell each other secrets, and the list could continue. The problem – this wonderful guy is going into the seminary because he feels he is being called into the priesthood. Actually that's a stretch, he doesn't really want to be a priest, but he has thought about it before and has been accepted and wants to give it a shot.
I guess I'm asking for prayers for 1) my dear friend and this BIG life decision and that he makes the right choice for the right reasons, and 2) for me to understand why I have the feelings I have for him, why God has put him in my life and in what way he will stay in my life. I thank you in advance for your prayers!
And I just want to say that I love your blog and books and you inspire me!
Love to you and your beautiful family and God Bless you!!
Thank you so much!
Erica
I so understand the part about worrying you'll never meet the right guy and then about getting pregnant! I too used to worry about getting the right guy and now that I have him I randomly worry about not being able to have kids! I know for me it's the random thought of "Oh my gosh! What if I have some freak birth defect or abnormality in my uterus rendering me infertile!?" Seeing as I have a mom and sister who are nurses and like to watch shows like "Untold Stories of the ER" and "Mystery Diagnosis" I have a bit of an over dramatic and over active imagination! Heck, I'm only engaged, I can't even get pregnant seeing as there is no possible way for me to get pregnant unless God decides that we need another immaculate conception here on earth! I highly doubt that is the case! But regardless of the things we worry about and stress about, we all need to learn to give it to God. So hard! God knows our hearts and needs and Jesus even said if man, being wicked, can give good gifts to their kids than how much more will the Father do for us!
A bit of encouragement on the endometriosis thing. My sister had three surgeries for it before she had kids, she had it all up in her abdominal cavity, everywhere, and I am happy to tell you she has just given birth to her second child. My mom has it as well and had 4 kids. I'm sure the doctors let you know there are possibilities of complications but I am confident you will be fine! I pray and believe you will have more kids and He will bless your socks off! Remember that we have the best Daddy in the universe who created everything in it, including our pesky reproductive systems!
I love you, funny seeing as I only randomly comment on your blogs, read them and read your books. But I want to let you know I enjoy looking at pictures and hearing your stories. You are such an encouragement to me and I look up to you! I am so glad you are another one of my sisters in Christ!
Lot's of love
-Tiffany
Oh honey, you are not alone. I've been struggling with infertility for a long time, too, and I think the absolute worst part for me is the jealousy I feel towards other women. And I definitely also experience that awful questioning about whether I'm just not "good" enough to be a mother. I think it's important for me to remind myself over and over and over again that Jesus loves me, He is doing this for my good, because He loves me, and that He is completely trustworthy. God loves you so much, and I do too!
Erynn, you are in my prayers because I worry just about as much as you do but over different things, so I understand. If you could, I would ask that you pray that I know for sure where my future career is and that I am taking the path that God wants me on and am following the will He has for me. I'm in the college search right now and am about to go into my senior year and I am so worried that I am either not hearing His plan or that I will make a mistake and follow the wrong path and that I'm following what I want to do instead of what God wants me to do…I've been praying about it but I havent felt a clear answer but I am not gonna stop praying about it, or stop praying about you and your family.
We all love you Erynn and our lives would be different without you, so always remember how many people love and care for you, but most importantly ALWAYS remember that you have the love of our God.
Sierra
Hi Erynn!
Praying for you and your family! I know that God has amazing plans for you and that your surgery is going to go great next week! Please pray for me that I trust God with everything (school, meeting the "right guy", etc) and that I know that His plan for me is ultimately the best one for me. Also for patience for me in seeing what His plan is for me as I'm going into my senior year of college and am still not absolutely certain what I want to do when I graduate. Know that I will continue to pray for you! Thanks for sharing! I love reading your books and your blog! : ) Hope that you have a great weekend!!
Hi friend…just want you to remember that God is particularly fond of you (if I can borrow a line from God in "The Shack") and He knows the plans He has for you, and He is guiding your steps.
It's amazing how Satan takes our greatest fears and loudly tries to make them seem like truth to us…but I heard a sermon just this past weekend that God whispers to us because He is close. Meaning, He knows what we need when we need it…we just need to listen to His still small voice.
I am lifting you up today (and will do so through your surgery). Thank you for caring enough to be transparent with us. I look forward to the day that you will shout from the mountaintops that God has blessed you again with a child, and can't wait to rejoice with you!
–Linda L.
I remember sitting at the doc's for an infertility appointment, and seeing a very young pregnant teen. Moments later the grandma came out of the ultrasound room and announced, "It's a girl!" I went home and wept, only to discover a friend who "wasn't ready" for a baby yet had conceived. I know it's hard… I believe God is going to give you the desires of your heart, Friend. Praying for you!
Praying for you. Knowing that He has GREAT plans for you life & your family. I am confident that He is going to do more than you can ask, think or imagine!
Pray for me and my church family as well as several others who are recently affected by the death of our friend. She passed suddenly on Tuesday in her sleep. She had no known health problems and was only twenty years old. Pray for her family and for those of us who knew her.
Thanks
Thank you for always being so open with us, you are an inspiration and used by God more than you will ever know. Erynn, I will continue to pray for you, your heart, your family and your future. He is never finished with us (thank you, Jesus!), and I know that His goodness will visit you in so many unexpected ways, and I excitedly look forward to hearing about them here.
While I am not exactly experiencing infertility at the moment, as I am still single and therefore not beginning a family, I am fully prepared that it is something I will experience. I have my own slew of medical conditions that my doctors have assured me will make it near impossible to bear a child. Of course, this will not stop me from trying, for God may make this path straight, and prove His might and power and love for me and mine in His own way.
My heart goes out to yours! Be blessed this day and every day as Christ makes you ever more like Him.
-Cpen
Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Thanks for all your updates! Your thoughts/feelings are all too familiar to me. Something I wish you all didn't have to go through and at the same time in complete amazement of your openness, you are a light to so many! You are a wonderful mom!! I pray you have a quick recovery and are soon blessed with child #3!! Love and prayers! Ryann
I totally relate to many of these posts about fear, worry, and doubt. It is something I definitely struggle with. Sometimes I remind myself that it isn't up to me know all the answers. That's His job. Also I that it is ok that my story isn't like everyone else's. My story can still be beautiful. Praying!