We spent most of yesterday with my family Wednesday, which was very fun. We played games, Nathan got to swim and we roasted marshmallows and shot off fireworks. We are right in the middle of monsoon season here, so every afternoon about five-ish, the weather turns yucky and we occasionally get rain with lots of thunder and lightning.

Nathan wasn’t quite sure about badminton. He could not figure out why we weren’t running after we hit the “ball”. 😉 

Then it was time for a popsicle in the pool with Pops. And the boys had a jumping contest for Nathan:

This didn’t end as painfully as it looks like it did.

Ha! He thought it was the most hilarious thing in the world. He’s been a fish lately – we will throw a pair of goggles on the seat part of the hot tub and he will hold his breath, dive down, pick them up and come back up without breathing under water. I can’t believe he’s already doing this and he’s not even two. It scares me to death to think what he’ll be like next year in the pool.

Nathan with his “more”. He was too busy getting s’more stuff for everyone else to sit and eat his, so he only took about two bites. That’s my son. The only time he is still is when he’s sleeping.

The fireworks. He loved the sparklers but wasn’t the biggest fan of the other things we got. After each one finished, he would say, “All done!” and we’d have to tell him there was still more. That last picture just makes me laugh.

He’s become so funny. Yesterday, I ran with him to Walmart and I was trying to check the list to make sure we got everything and he said, “No, Mommy, Naynen do it!” so, I handed him the list and he looked at it and frowned and said, “Hmm…hmm…” and then he yelled, “Oh no!” I said, “Did we forget something, Nathan?” and he said, “Yes! Oreos!”

He is too much like his mama sometimes. 😉

Yesterday, we went back to the doctor for yet another ultrasound to see if everything was out and unfortunately, the pregnancy sac was still there. The good news – if there was good news in that situation – was that the sac looked empty, which meant that sometime over the last week or so, my body had realized the baby was gone and had reabsorbed it.

Which at first made me very sad but the more I thought about it, the more I decided that just meant this little one will always be a part of us.

Since nothing had passed, I had to take misoprostol yesterday. It was a very long, emotional, rough, painful day. The cramping got so bad at one point that I had to take a vicodin on top of the 800mg of Motrin I was taking and use a heating pad. By 6:15 last night, though, the majority seemed to be out. And the cramping and bleeding has finally lessened significantly now.

I spent most of yesterday in tears because even though I’ve known it was over for a week, it was actually over yesterday. Part of me really needed the closure and the ability to just grieve. My parents came over last night after Nathan was in bed just to check up on me and bring me a milkshake. They have a blood pressure monitor and because of all the bleeding, my blood pressure was very, very low. I called the on-call doctor and she told me to drink as much as possible and making sure I didn’t start feeling dizzy or I was going to have to go back to the ER. That did not sound fun at all, so I downed four glasses of water, milkshake and orange juice before bed last night.

My blood pressure is much better today and I’m actually feeling okay. I took a three hour nap while Nathan was sleeping today and I’ve been doing my best to look forward. We are going to get a tree this weekend for our yard in honor of our little one. We are praying hard that our doctor will be able to get us in for my laparoscopy the first week of August so we can begin trying again.

Thank you friends for all your prayers for this very, very long month. I know I could never have made it through this without the huge circle of prayer, support and hugs.

I finally went to church this morning. I think I’ve missed the last five weeks just due to everything going on and the constant on-and-off again bed rest. And I made it. The last song had me sobbing, but I held it together through the majority of church.

It’s the little victories right now.

The last few days have actually been good. I’ve felt covered in prayer, thanks to so many of you, friends and family. I’ve felt covered in grace. I still doubt and I still struggle and I still have questions but I think I’ve recognized that I will ALWAYS have those questions. I will always struggle at some point or another with what has happened. I will always question God’s goodness in this situation.

But, at some point, I have to listen to what I sing to Nathan every day:

Jesus loves me. This I KNOW. For the Bible tells me so.

Sometimes, you have to go back to the basics. In a lot of ways, I feel like everything I have always believed about God has had to be relearned. WHY is God good? What does that mean? Does Jesus really love me? What does that look like in day to day life?

I’ve started reading Job again. It’s a familiar story. Job loses everything – wealth, property, animals and most of all, ALL of his children. His reaction is what gets me though. After he heard this news, he tore his clothes, fell to the ground, worshiped God and said this:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked I shall return there.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

If that wasn’t enough, it ended the chapter with this verse: “Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.”

How much I have to learn. How much I have to grow.

We have been trying to fill the days with fun things. I tend to get very withdrawn and depressed if I sit and think too much right now. It is good to stay up and keep focused on the wonderful blessings I have around me. Especially a precious little boy who is about to turn two in two weeks.

I can’t believe we are so close already.

We are doing a – you guessed it – baseball (or “BEEBALL”) themed birthday party, so Gammy, Nathan and I went shopping this last week at Party City and Walmart for a few fun things to use. This picture is about as perfect as it gets at showing what a great mix Nathan is of me and Jon:

Baseballs in both hands and a Starbucks under the arm. That’s my baby.

Afterwards, we found a helmet (Nathan calls them “hulms”) on clearance and he was SO excited about it that I just couldn’t resist. He wore it through the entire store.

Oh, and all the way home. Yes, he is still cheesing like this. Oh the school yearbook pictures I’m already planning to keep as blackmail. 😉

Friday night, we decided we needed just a fun family night and so Jon, Nathan and I ran a couple of errands and then went to Olive Garden for dinner. Where Nathan loudly told everyone in a twenty yard vicinity that “I weddy for dinnewr!!” Every single person who walked by was asked where his dinner was. “Whewr is dinnewr?” “Naynen dinnewr?” “I need dinnewr!” I told him at one point that the waiter was going to bring bread first and he yelled, “MMMM!! BWEAD!! Yay bwead!!”

The food finally came and the boy did not stop eating. He ate one and a half breadsticks, a whole huge bowl of macaroni and cheese, a bowl of grapes and since he scarfed all that down before Jon and I could finish our meal, we ordered him some ice cream too.

The waiter set the bowl in front of him and Nathan said, “Oh! Ice weam!” And then he started singing. “Happy to you, Naynen. Happy to you, Naynen!” He had to finish the birthday song before he ate the ice cream.

I don’t think I will ever be bored with him around.