- erynnmangum@gmail.com

To my sweet little one

My precious baby,

How we prayed for you, how we wanted you and oh little one, how we loved you. You were so, so loved. So precious to us. We rejoiced over you.

I will never know this side of heaven why we weren’t able to meet you. Why I was never able to kiss your sweet face or snuggle with your sweet self. I have so many things that I want to know about you – boy or girl? Tall or short? Dark hair like your daddy or light hair like your mommy? All questions that I have to believe I will find the answers to someday. In heaven.

And oh, sweet baby, how I long for heaven! I cannot wait for the day when I get to hold you in my arms and kiss your little cheeks. Until then, I will have to trust that Jesus is holding you as tightly as I would be. And I know that your great-grandparents are having a wonderful time playing with you and hugging you and telling you all about the wonderful legacy of Jesus that you are blessed to come from.

There are so many things I wish I had the chance to tell you. How much I love you. How much I will always love you. I wish you could meet your big brother who kissed you daily through me when you were here on this earth. I would tell you so much – how loved you are, how precious you are, how much Jesus loves you. Oh how Jesus loves you, little one. The picture of my Savior holding you right now is honestly the only thing that is getting me through this day. That and you being passed around to Tapa, Grandmom and Grandad. I can imagine the joy on their faces at meeting one of their great-grandchildren. Oh how I wish I could see it.

Sweetie, I cannot wait to see you. I miss you so much and there is a part of me I know that will miss you for as long as I’m on this earth. How thankful I am for your big brother to fill my aching arms right now, but you are still missing and that piece will never be complete until heaven.

Oh honey, how grateful I am for our Savior. How thankful I am for this hope of heaven and seeing you there one day. He is good, little one. God is good. I don’t understand why you aren’t here. I don’t understand why we won’t get to experience everything we were so excited for – feeling you kick, finding out whether you were a boy or a girl, holding you in our arms, teaching you about Jesus. But I have to believe. I have to trust. He is good. He is good. He is good.

On the night in the ER, sweetheart, when we saw your tiny heart beating, God gave me a verse. He told me He would never leave me or forsake me. And then I had this wonderful thought – that will be our baby’s life verse. And my precious baby, that is your LIFE verse. Your eternal life verse. He will never leave you. He will never forsake you. You will be in His presence forever! What joy there is in that thought! You will never know pain. You will never know heartache. You are and always will be completely innocent of any of this world’s hurts because Jesus is there with you and holding you now.

Oh how I will miss you.

Your daddy, brother and I love you so much, little one. I can’t wait until Jesus introduces us to you someday.

I love you, my sweet, sweet baby.

Mommy

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33 thoughts on “To my sweet little one”

  2. Lord, thank You for Your Word which reminds us that You are faithful and in control, even when life hurts.

    Please wrap Your loving arms around this family as they grieve the loss of this little one. Continue to comfort them with Your unrelenting grace.

    Thank You for blessing my sister with Your promises, with a reminder of Your constant presence.

    "But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me." (Psalm 3:3-5)

    Help us trust you through the heartache, knowing You are the One who holds us up and carries us through, one breath at a time.

    Please empower my sister with such a strong sense of Your presence that she feels safe letting go. Help her keep her arms raised in surrender, Lord, heart massaged by Your truth as she acknowledges You are holding each of her loved ones, especially this precious little one You called home, secure in the palm of Your hand.

    We love You and praise You, thankful that when life hurts You remain the same.

    Please meet this family's deepest needs and when they can't find the words to pray, bless them with a whispered reminder of Your Holy Name. Jesus. Jesus. Oh, how we need You, Jesus.

    In Jesus' name, Amen.

    With love and prayers,

    Your sis in Christ, Xochi

  3. I've read your books and sometimes check your blog, and although I've never commented before, I feel like God may be telling me to now. I have a brother that's 5 years older than me, and between when both of us were born my mom had a miscarriage. She had always loved kids, and wanted a large family, but it just never happened, and the miscarriage was pretty hard on her. Eventually though, God did give her me. I can't say what his plans are for you, but I know that you're right. God is good. This may not always translate into what seems easiest or best, but no matter what we still have a heavenly father that loves us, and that will help you get through this.

  4. Bless your heart. I have been through it twice, and it is something I wish no one had to experience. I have had the book Hannah's Hope recommended to me. Praying for you and your sweet family.

  8. Oh Erynn. My heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry. I like to think of losing babies in miscarriage, still born, or so young that they are too perfect to be on Earth. My cousin had a still born baby almost 2 years ago and it has changed our family so much being that we're all so close. But I know, Baby Eleanor is in Heaven waiting for her parents and siblings to meet her up there again. Have faith, gorgeous. I'll keep you and your amazing family in my prayers. <3

  9. Erynn & family: I'm so sorry for your loss. The words you wrote to your little one are so precious. I cried a bit while reading yet knowing that Jesus and your little one are together. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    -Stacy

  10. This is such a beautiful letter. God is close to your side. This isn't easy, but praise God for the promise of Heaven.

    Praying for you.

  11. Oh Erynn,
    Words fail me, but our Savior never does. You are such an amazing, mature young woman. God's love shines to you, and through you.

    (((())))

  14. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss! You will meet your baby in heaven someday! Just keep holding to God's unchanging hand, He knows what He's doing. I'll be praying for you! Love and hugs. <3

  15. I'm praying for you, Erynn! Your precious baby is safe in His arms.

    "Come unto me, all ye labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

    ~Alicia

  16. That was beautiful, Erynn. I am so sorry for your loss. Praying for you always! _Judy

  17. My precious child, this has sucked the air out of me. How I long to hold that little one, just as you do. And it hurts more than I could ever comprehend. Where would we be without Jesus to walk us through? I cannot fathom…

    It literally kills me to watch you and Jon have to deal with this. I want so desperately to take it from you, even knowing that is not possible. I love you beyond measure and I will be by your side every minute of this. I love this baby so very much… If there be any joy in this, it is the picture in my head of Tapa, Granddad and Grandmom absolutely head over heels happy, enjoying this one that has gone before us. I'm smiling through my tears as I can see them playing and laughing and hugging each other to pieces… Oh, for the day when we will ALL be together.

    Until that day, we will persevere. Together.

    I love you so very much it hurts…

    "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentatians 3:22-23

  19. Oh Erynn! How my heart breaks for you and with you over your loss! As I read your post, I couldn't stop thinking about my sweet Blair and how I know exactly how you feel! Your words were so perfect and sweet! And the only thing I can tell you is how true it is that your longing for heaven changes! All I want to do now is let others know about Jesus so that they can someday meet Blair. And oh how I also long to hold my sweet baby in my arms someday in heaven! But like you said, it is comforting knowing that heaven is all our babies will ever know. They are not alone and never will be! Know that each day does get a little easier with time and the power of prayer is HUGE! God is still good and has a plan for your sweet family! I know you had been trying a long time, so I will be praying that God gives you the strength you need to not give up and know that there is beauty from the ashes! Please know that I am here if you ever need to talk! You and your family are in our prayers!!

  20. Oh Erynn, I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling – but He knows. He felt the very same pain that you're feeling now when he lost his precious son. And even though in some ways that day felt like the end for so many people, it was just the beginning! There is a plan and purpose even in the darkness…we can't see over the mountains in front of us, but he knows. He knows. Erynn, I'm praying and praying that you would feel his presence in your every being – physically, mentally and spiritually – that you would not just know that he is holding you, but that you would feel him holding you. The picture that keeps running around in my head is the one of Jesus with all of the little children on his knee. I can just see your little baby cradled up in his arms, him smiling down and saying, "I made you. I created you. Even now, you were not a mistake. The small time that you spent in your mummy's womb was nothing compared to the eternity that you will spend in my arms." How our father loves us….

    "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you the future you hope for."
    Jeremiah 29:11 (Message)

  21. As I'm reading your heart-breaking post, my Pandora station is playing Casting Crowns' "Praise You in this Storm," and the words seem so appropriate, if only to give you some small bit of assurance. "Every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand. You've never left my side."
    May God bless and comfort you and your family, Erynn, during this difficult time.

  23. *sniff* …I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that! I have to honestly say that I don't know what you're feeling, although I do have at least5 cousin who I wish I could've met… But that's nothing like what you and your husband are going through. 🙁 I'm praying for y'all!

  24. This is beautiful. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. May the Holy Spirit wrap you in His arms during this time! Thank you for sharing this precious letter.

  28. Erynn I am SO sorry! I was crying while I read this post. I can only imagine what pain you are going through. My heart goes out to you and your family. I will be praying for you!

  29. Erynn, I can't tell you how my heart breaks for you and your family. I am an only child and my parents had a miscarriage before I was born. My mum used to talk to me about it when I was young, and we would imagine him or her in heaven, and what might his or her name be, etc. It's such a sweet memory for me, and what encouragement we have to know that your little one is now in heaven with Jesus too! Your letter has encouraged me so much, and I love the perspective you have. I know others who have suffered the loss of a baby and instead of turning it to God as you have, have fallen into the trap of being so angry that it's difficult to help them. My prayer for you is peace and that God will show his love to you in such an immense way as he comforts you and your family and brings you through this time of trial and heartache.

  30. Praying for you and your sweet family that Jesus will wrap His capable arms around you even tighter right now. You are loved!

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