Yesterday, Clint, Leigh Ann and Hayley all came over for dinner. It really was a good distraction. I only sat down for maybe 30 minutes yesterday, which ended up being a good thing. The more I sit, the more I think and right now, I just want to do.
Nathan was beyond thrilled to see his adorable friend again. Notice the sticker on his shirt? Our local grocery store gives them to the kids and he now asks for stickers at every cashier wherever we are. “Asks” being a nice way of saying “demands”.
He is becoming the biggest boy. Today, he got to have cereal for the first time and I don’t think he has ever been more proud of himself.
He is definitely in the terrible twos. His newest saying is “No, Naynen do it!” I promise I hear this at least 642 times a day. And if I say, “No, Mommy is going to do it,” he throws a huge fit. We went to lunch and did some errands with Gammy today and he was just awful. I think we are still readjusting to life as it is now.
I am still readjusting too.
I’m really doing my best to look ahead. God willing, I will be able to have the laparoscopic surgery for the endometriosis they found on my ovaries in the next several weeks so we can begin to try again. My doctor thinks that it’s the endometriosis that contributed to the miscarriage, so my prayer is that with it removed, maybe we will be able to get pregnant quickly and carry the baby successfully.
Sometimes I just get crushed with sadness. I feel like there is this weight in my heart that I just can’t lift. So, I get up and keep doing things. I made and froze 18 breakfast burritos yesterday. My bathroom has never been cleaner. I worry that if I stop and truly think about what is happening, I will never get up again.
When Nathan was tiny tiny, I would always rock and sing him to sleep. One of my absolute favorite songs to sing to him was Chris Rice’s “Come to Jesus”. Once Nathan turned one, he stopped wanting to be rocked to sleep, he just wanted to be laid in bed.
He must know that something is up because for the last three days, he’s let me rock him and sing him to sleep again for bed and nap time. He’ll lay his head on my shoulder and as soon as the song ends he’ll say, “More song? More song, Mommy?” I’ve been singing that song again and it’s just been a reminder to myself that this isn’t IT. This isn’t the end. All day on Tuesday all I could think was “we have no hope” since we couldn’t even see our sweet baby anymore. But God has been reminding me of Paul’s words in 1 Thessalonians that we are not like those who have no hope – we who are in Christ have the assurance that this life is as bad as it gets for us. Soon, we will be in heaven and my family will be complete.
I am still struggling. I am still asking why. I don’t think I will ever understand. I worry that my trust in God will never be the same as it was before this. I am hoping that Romans 8:26 is right in that the Holy Spirit prays for us when we can’t pray in our weakness. My prayers have become a jumbled mix of desperate pleas and tearful questions.
God is faithful. I have been trying to focus on the “is” in that verse. He IS faithful. Not was, not will be. Is.
I believe, Lord. Help my unbelief.
I'm so very sorry, Erynn. I'll keep praying for you. God will get you through this.
Lots of Love, Alicia
My sweet, precious Erynn,
There have been so many times in this walk of life that I have been weary beyond words. And crushed by grief. I don't comprehend your specific pain in miscarrying since I have never had one, but I know very well my pain and grief in this miscarriage, as well as watching MY baby endure such heartache. I know without a doubt that as horrible and painful as life can get, God – in His loving, gracious way – pulls us back up on our feet. We will get through this just like we've gotten through Tom's death, Cayce's seven year illness, Granddad's death, Grandmom's cancer and death and Tapa's Alzheimers and death. So much pain and heartache through the years…yet, by God's grace, we have stood firm through it all. It's one minute at a time, keeping our eyes on Jesus and walking side by side with those that love us…and sometimes even letting them carry us for a little bit, that gets us through. God IS faithful. We have seen it with our own eyes. And we will see it again – in the midst of our tears.
I love you with every breath I breathe…
Mom
Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
I keep praying for you all.
A few songs that have meant a lot when I've been through tough times:
Cry out to Jesus- third day
Every time I breathe- big daddy weave
Hold me jesus- big daddy weave
Crawl- Superchick
Stand in the rain-superchcik
Beauty from pain- Superchick
Erynn my friend you are in my prayers for sure! As i was reading a book there was a verse i thought may help you
The Lord himself goes befote you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged (Deuteronomy 31:8)
I hope that helps. 🙂
Love you
Praying for you and your family, Erynn. I don't know what to say, but I hope you feel that you are covered in so much love and prayer.
– Sarah
Erynn, there are no words that can make this better, but like Tonya, I'll share a few songs that were an immense help to me during a year of great loss.
Beauty Will Rise–Steven Curtis Chapman (actually, I can't recommend this whole CD enough!)
There Will Be a Day–Jeremy Camp
I Still Believe–Jeremy Camp
Afloat–Caleb and Sol
Trust Once More–Jason Upton
If Heaven Has a Window–Kelsey Marie
Dear Erynn, This is probably one of the hardest paths you will walk, but you will come out of it stronger and with a greater faith. I, too, have a little one waiting for me in heaven. At the time it was the hardest thing emotionally that I had ever been through. And it was the hardest thing to get over. Take whatever time you need to grieve. Getting pregnant again is what helped me the most. I am praying for you. (((hugs)))
Love you. Grieving with you. Prayin for you.
xoxo
~ Jen