Yesterday, Clint, Leigh Ann and Hayley all came over for dinner. It really was a good distraction. I only sat down for maybe 30 minutes yesterday, which ended up being a good thing. The more I sit, the more I think and right now, I just want to do.

Nathan was beyond thrilled to see his adorable friend again. Notice the sticker on his shirt? Our local grocery store gives them to the kids and he now asks for stickers at every cashier wherever we are. “Asks” being a nice way of saying “demands”.

He is becoming the biggest boy. Today, he got to have cereal for the first time and I don’t think he has ever been more proud of himself.

He is definitely in the terrible twos. His newest saying is “No, Naynen do it!” I promise I hear this at least 642 times a day. And if I say, “No, Mommy is going to do it,” he throws a huge fit. We went to lunch and did some errands with Gammy today and he was just awful. I think we are still readjusting to life as it is now.

I am still readjusting too.

I’m really doing my best to look ahead. God willing, I will be able to have the laparoscopic surgery for the endometriosis they found on my ovaries in the next several weeks so we can begin to try again. My doctor thinks that it’s the endometriosis that contributed to the miscarriage, so my prayer is that with it removed, maybe we will be able to get pregnant quickly and carry the baby successfully.

Sometimes I just get crushed with sadness. I feel like there is this weight in my heart that I just can’t lift. So, I get up and keep doing things. I made and froze 18 breakfast burritos yesterday. My bathroom has never been cleaner. I worry that if I stop and truly think about what is happening, I will never get up again.

When Nathan was tiny tiny, I would always rock and sing him to sleep. One of my absolute favorite songs to sing to him was Chris Rice’s “Come to Jesus”. Once Nathan turned one, he stopped wanting to be rocked to sleep, he just wanted to be laid in bed.

He must know that something is up because for the last three days, he’s let me rock him and sing him to sleep again for bed and nap time. He’ll lay his head on my shoulder and as soon as the song ends he’ll say, “More song? More song, Mommy?” I’ve been singing that song again and it’s just been a reminder to myself that this isn’t IT. This isn’t the end. All day on Tuesday all I could think was “we have no hope” since we couldn’t even see our sweet baby anymore. But God has been reminding me of Paul’s words in 1 Thessalonians that we are not like those who have no hope – we who are in Christ have the assurance that this life is as bad as it gets for us. Soon, we will be in heaven and my family will be complete.

I am still struggling. I am still asking why. I don’t think I will ever understand. I worry that my trust in God will never be the same as it was before this. I am hoping that Romans 8:26 is right in that the Holy Spirit prays for us when we can’t pray in our weakness. My prayers have become a jumbled mix of desperate pleas and tearful questions.

God is faithful. I have been trying to focus on the “is” in that verse. He IS faithful. Not was, not will be. Is.

I believe, Lord. Help my unbelief.

Thank you for praying for me.

I am not sure how I’m doing. Okay and not okay. Good all things considering and terrible all things considering. One minute I’m busy doing things and distracted and the next minute I’m crying as I’m reminded that our little one is no longer with us.

In a lot of ways, I’m just numb. I can’t believe that we are here at this place again. Twice in the last three weeks I’ve been told the baby is gone. Our miracle heartbeat gave me so much hope that I would get to see and hold this baby someday and it just seems cruel of God to take that away again. I know in my head that God is not cruel – I know in my head that He loves me. It’s just hard to know that in my heart right now.

I’m so beyond sad. At times, I’m angry. Other times, I’m terrified that God will take something else away from me. What if something happens to Nathan? Or to Jon? I can’t even bear the thought.

I started cramping today and I’m still bleeding so I know it’s only a matter of time. I am doing my absolute best to look ahead. I’ll need to get the cysts removed on my ovaries sometime in the next month or so. Then we have the green light to try again. And while I hope and pray that we can get pregnant and that it is much easier this time around, I’m also heartbroken that it won’t be this baby. And I’m terrified that this will happen again.

Jon started teaching summer school and today was the first day I’ve been home alone with Nathan in over a month. In a way, it was very cathartic to have some semblance of normalcy – I got him out of his crib this morning, we ate breakfast together and ran some errands. He was so happy. I could just see a huge difference in his mood since we were back home and I was back to holding him.

Please keep praying for us. I don’t understand why this is happening. I’m clinging with every shred of my being to the most basic, simple truths about God that I know. God is good. God is in control.

I’m sure all of you know about the Waldo Canyon Fire raging through Colorado Springs right now. Please, please pray for the people there. Our dear friends who live there – Greg, Jen and little Noah – just got an evacuation order. It has been a good reminder to me today that we are not the only ones in this world suffering. We live in a fallen world.

How I long for heaven.

Please watch this video. Doug Nuenke, the president of The Navigators, a huge Christian ministry in Colorado Springs who also heads up NavPress (my publisher) was interviewed today by Fox News. What he says ministered to me and I’m sure the thousands of people who have been evacuated by this fire.

Watch the latest video at <a href=”http://video.foxnews.com”>video.foxnews.com</a>

Prayers are needed, dear friends.

We had another ultrasound today and they were unable to find the baby, much less a heartbeat. Please, please pray for us. I don’t understand how we could perfectly see the baby two weeks ago and it is just gone today – this is almost twice as hard after seeing our miraculous heartbeat last ultrasound.

I am heartbroken. Pray for us. Please pray as I don’t have the words to pray for us right now.

Thank you friends.

The last few days have been pretty slow. Normally, I’m the type of person who needs to be up doing things all the time. I rarely ever stay at home and I definitely don’t sit for long periods of time unless I’m working on a deadline.

So having to sit and having the extra worry about the fact that I’m still bleeding has made for a very long week. And not just for me – Nathan has been extra, extra grouchy lately and I think he’s missing his Mommy/Nathan play time.

His mommy is too.

Yesterday and today, he’s spent a lot of time just sitting on my lap on the couch, eating snacks or just talking to me. I’ve soaked up every second of it. I’ve missed my baby.

My parents are out of town right now and on Tuesday, Jon got his wisdom teeth out. So, we called and asked if my mother-in-law, Connie, would be able to come out here and help since I’m not really supposed to be doing much and we figured Jon would be sore.

It has been so nice to have her here! And Jon is doing great – he’s not swollen, he’s barely taken his pain medication, he’s doing awesome. Much better than I did when I got mine out. 😉

 I have been spending a lot of time in the Psalms lately. They have been how I get through the day without falling apart from the worry a lot of the time. I love Psalm 27:13-14: “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.” I love that. No matter what happens with this baby I know that I will see him or her someday because in Christ we have that promise of the “land of the living”!!

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Thank you so much for the prayers you have given for us!! Love to you all,

This weekend was brought to us by Amazon.com. I’ve never been more thankful for their two-day shipping and shopping from my couch!

We’ve been staying over at my parents’ house just because of the extra help since I’m officially on the couch and I forgot my camera, so all of the pictures I got of Jon and Nathan yesterday were with my phone.

It was a low key Father’s Day but God willing, we will get to have a HUGE celebration next year. I’m still spotting and bleeding, so please keep praying for me. I’m trying my best not to worry and to keep praying and turning that worry into praise and prayer, but it’s sometimes easier said than done. I have been so blessed by your sweet emails and messages and comments – thank you, thank you, dear friends. A lot of times, I will read back through them when I’m feeling especially worried and just feel so much better after realizing how many people are praying for our little one.

Our next appointment is a week from tomorrow. I’ll be ten weeks by then and we are praying for some significant growth. The progesterone the doctor has me on has been making me somewhat sick to my stomach, tired and at times makes me feel dizzy. So, I’ve been very thankful to have a wonderful husband off of work and family to help watch Nathan while I lay down on the couch.

Please continue to pray for us. We are so blessed to be here – I know that God has a plan for this baby, whatever it may be.

I am still in shock, I think. I feel so blessed, so humbled, so many different emotions about our wonderful miracle!!

We are not in the clear – I am still bleeding and sometimes it’s much worse than just spotting. PLEASE keep us in your prayers. I had more blood tests run on Wednesday and it looks like my progesterone levels are low, so the doctor put me on a progesterone supplement twice a day. I’m praying hard that helps the bleeding to stop quickly!! They weren’t able to see what is causing the bleeding – my cervix is closed and everything looks fine in my uterus, which is wonderful news, but it’s also a little disconcerting to not know where this bleeding is coming from.

I’m also back on semi-bed-rest. Basically, I’m just supposed to take it very easy for a while. I’ve never been so happy to be on bed rest, but it does leave an awful lot of time to just sit and worry. Please pray for my heart – I’m doing my best to rest in God’s plan for our little one whatever that is, but that’s easier said than done a lot of the time. I’m going to try my best to use this time to get ahead on my deadlines and pray and pray and pray.

And while I’ve got you praying, will you also keep several of my dear friends who have struggled with miscarriages in your prayers? I have felt so burdened for them over the last two days. I don’t understand what God is doing but I will praise Him – regardless of what happens with our little one.

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for your prayers – I am so very, very thankful!!

Love to all of you,

Oh friends, I am in tears! I cannot even find the words to say!

We went in today for our follow-up appointment to confirm a miscarriage and dear ones, we saw a HEARTBEAT!! 138 beats per minute – the most beautiful heartbeat I have ever seen in my whole life! All three of us – Jon, me and the ultrasound tech – were just staring at the screen in shock and the tech, bless her heart, finally said, “Well…That is a heartbeat!”

 It is a miracle. I am shaking. I am so overjoyed, overwhelmed, completely and totally IN AWE of our great God. Our great GOD!!!

The baby is still measuring small (though there was 5 days growth since Wednesday!!) and I am still spotting, so we are not out of the woods yet. PLEASE PRAY. Please, please, please pray for our precious miracle baby!!

Our God is the worker of miracles!! He is the creator of ALL! Praise His name forever and ever! Oh, friends, the comfort I have felt from Him this week and the joy I have from Him today! Blessed be the name of the Lord!!

“Abraham believed in the God who brings the dead back to life and creates new things out of nothing!!!!” Romans 4:17 NLT (emphasis mine)

“He is the one you praise; He is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes.” Deut. 10:21 NIV

Bless the Lord!! Praise His holy name with me!!!

These last two days have been okay. I’ve been praying hard for God to give me grace and He has given it. It doesn’t mean that everything is fine or that I haven’t continued to cry and grieve, but He has been faithful.

It is hard. It may always be hard in some sense. This morning Nathan lifted my shirt so he could kiss the baby and I immediately started crying and had to try to explain to him that the baby was in heaven with Jesus. Hard for an almost-two year old to understand.

Hard for a twenty-seven year old to understand.

I have heard from so many of you and I’m so thankful for each and every one of your emails and messages. My heart breaks for every one of you who have been here before. Know I am praying for you constantly.

The more I’ve read on the subject of miscarriage, the sadder I get. The odds are one in four pregnancies will end in a miscarriage, particularly in an early miscarriage. One in four. How many millions of parents are out there struggling right now? How many families are heart broken? And how many of them are trying to make sense of it without the knowledge of Jesus or heaven?

It makes my heart ache.

We have been attempting to fill the days with activities to give ourselves a little distraction from all of this. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. We went to a baseball game last night – there is a minor league team in town. Nathan was in heaven – particularly when they started shooting off fireworks after the game. That’s all I’ve heard today. “Beeball? Yay! Wywort? Boom!”

He also had his very first swim lesson yesterday. He did pretty good, but since he was in Gammy and Pops’ pool, he had a hard time grasping that he wasn’t there to play. Afterward, Jamie brought mini ice cream sandwiches for everyone:

Life goes on. Sometimes I have a hard time even with this fact – I want everything to stop until I have come to grips with it and then carry on. I have had my eyes opened though to the amazing miracles around me – my son. My husband. My Savior. My parents and siblings. My in-laws. My wonderful friends.

We are loved. Our house smells like a florist shop. I know my baby – even though their life on earth was so very short – was cherished and loved. That means the world to me.

This has been one of the longest weeks of my life. In some ways, it seems like lifetimes ago that we were blissfully planning a trip to the zoo a week ago today.

We got to see our sweet baby’s heartbeat last week at about midnight on Friday night. I will never forget the relief that flooded through my heart right then – or the terror that washed over me on Wednesday when we couldn’t see it anymore. My doctor’s office has a big screen suspended over the bed in the ultrasound room and I gripped Jon’s hand and fought back panic as the ultrasound tech searched and searched for our sweet little one’s heartbeat and came up with nothing. We could see our baby, but no flicker on the screen to let us know he/she was okay.

It was not how I expected Wednesday to go. This was not how I expected anything to go.

Honestly, I am struggling right now. I don’t understand why we had to wait and pray and hope for a year only to have it end with this. I don’t understand how there could be more glory for God to take my baby than to leave him/her here so that he/she could grow and live and witness to others.

I don’t understand.

I feel like I’m in this tunnel of disbelief at the moment. Mostly because nothing has changed. I barely had any spotting today – I haven’t “officially” miscarried. I feel like I’m suspended in this horrible world where everyone is telling me that it’s over, there is no hope and I’m believing them and grieving for my child and at the same time, I have this tiny, fragile thread of hope that maybe the ultrasound was wrong. That maybe it was all just a terrible nightmare and I’ll wake up tomorrow with a perfectly growing baby with a strong heartbeat inside of me.

At the ER on Friday night, they found several masses near my ovaries and at our doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, my doctor told me that I have endometriosis. She seemed very surprised that I’ve never had any pain with it. I have an almost two inch cyst on my left ovary and another cyst about half that size on my right ovary. She said that this could easily have been the reason it took Jon and I so long to get pregnant and also a probable cause of why all of this is now happening.

My doctor was very compassionate, very sweet. She agreed to let me try to have things happen on their own. After I get my first period, we will schedule a time to do a laparoscopic surgery to remove the cysts. Apparently, a lot of couples are very fertile directly after the surgery, so she has high hopes that we will get pregnant again very quickly.

I don’t know what to think. A very small part of me is relieved to just have a reason of why it took so long. The biggest part of me is crushed that this baby had to die for us to discover it. And as much as I hope and pray we are able to get pregnant again and carry the baby to term, it still won’t be this baby.

That breaks my heart.

I have spent the better part of the last three days in tears. I am so thankful that God gave us this little one for the few short weeks I have carried him/her, but I’m grief-stricken that I won’t be able to ever meet them on this earth. I’ve been asking God why and begging for His grace to handle it. He has been faithful. I have never felt more loved or surrounded by friends and family and prayers than I have in these last few days. Our house is overflowing with food and flowers. My phone and email have been constantly filled with new messages of people praying for me. How thankful I am for each and every one of you. I honestly don’t think I could be doing as well as I am without your prayers.

I am overcome with grief. But I will continue to pray. And pray. I have never in my life been more thankful for my precious, precious son or my wonderful husband or my amazing family.

God is good. I am clinging to that with every last shred of strength I have. Please continue to pray for us. I appreciate it more than I can ever express to you this side of heaven.

My precious baby,

How we prayed for you, how we wanted you and oh little one, how we loved you. You were so, so loved. So precious to us. We rejoiced over you.

I will never know this side of heaven why we weren’t able to meet you. Why I was never able to kiss your sweet face or snuggle with your sweet self. I have so many things that I want to know about you – boy or girl? Tall or short? Dark hair like your daddy or light hair like your mommy? All questions that I have to believe I will find the answers to someday. In heaven.

And oh, sweet baby, how I long for heaven! I cannot wait for the day when I get to hold you in my arms and kiss your little cheeks. Until then, I will have to trust that Jesus is holding you as tightly as I would be. And I know that your great-grandparents are having a wonderful time playing with you and hugging you and telling you all about the wonderful legacy of Jesus that you are blessed to come from.

There are so many things I wish I had the chance to tell you. How much I love you. How much I will always love you. I wish you could meet your big brother who kissed you daily through me when you were here on this earth. I would tell you so much – how loved you are, how precious you are, how much Jesus loves you. Oh how Jesus loves you, little one. The picture of my Savior holding you right now is honestly the only thing that is getting me through this day. That and you being passed around to Tapa, Grandmom and Grandad. I can imagine the joy on their faces at meeting one of their great-grandchildren. Oh how I wish I could see it.

Sweetie, I cannot wait to see you. I miss you so much and there is a part of me I know that will miss you for as long as I’m on this earth. How thankful I am for your big brother to fill my aching arms right now, but you are still missing and that piece will never be complete until heaven.

Oh honey, how grateful I am for our Savior. How thankful I am for this hope of heaven and seeing you there one day. He is good, little one. God is good. I don’t understand why you aren’t here. I don’t understand why we won’t get to experience everything we were so excited for – feeling you kick, finding out whether you were a boy or a girl, holding you in our arms, teaching you about Jesus. But I have to believe. I have to trust. He is good. He is good. He is good.

On the night in the ER, sweetheart, when we saw your tiny heart beating, God gave me a verse. He told me He would never leave me or forsake me. And then I had this wonderful thought – that will be our baby’s life verse. And my precious baby, that is your LIFE verse. Your eternal life verse. He will never leave you. He will never forsake you. You will be in His presence forever! What joy there is in that thought! You will never know pain. You will never know heartache. You are and always will be completely innocent of any of this world’s hurts because Jesus is there with you and holding you now.

Oh how I will miss you.

Your daddy, brother and I love you so much, little one. I can’t wait until Jesus introduces us to you someday.

I love you, my sweet, sweet baby.

Mommy