I have debated for the last few months whether I should write this here or not. It’s something I’m not very good or willing (a lot of the time) to talk about. But, I want this blog to be an honest representation of my life. I try to write about the struggles I’m in the middle of and the fun we’re having. I try to write about good days and bad days. Which was why I finally decided to write this post.
My brother and I are nineteen months apart. And I absolutely LOVED that growing up. Mom had all four of us in five and a half years and as a result, my siblings have become some of the best friends I have. They make me laugh and I love that we are all still very close. (Even as I’m writing this, I had to turn my phone on silent so it wouldn’t keep buzzing with a group text with all of them.)
So, when Jon and I started talking about having a family someday, I knew I wanted our children to be close as well. It took us about six months to get pregnant with Nathan and so I knew that it may not be the easiest road to get pregnant again with the next one, but I have been around so many women who actually had it easier the second time. So, I imagine my hopes were set pretty high.
We are now going on nine months of trying for another baby. And while I realize that nine months is nothing compared to how long a lot of people have to wait for a child, this month in particular has been the hardest on me. Maybe because in my mind, I would like to have been due with my second next month.
I know that God has a plan. And I know that His plan is for my good. But that doesn’t take away the sadness and disappointment of yet another month of hearing a “no” from God. Last Sunday morning was my official Break Down and Cry Day. And I hate that.
Here’s the thing: I am SO blessed! I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful and healthy son, a perfect little home and the ability to do what I love – both in being a mom and being a writer. I should want absolutely nothing else and yet I am having the hardest time in the world being content. I want another child. I want to experience another baby growing inside me and the miracle of feeling him or her kick. I want Nathan to be a big brother and for him to know the unending joy and sometimes pain of being a sibling.
And yet, God still has said no.
I don’t want to become bitter – always asking “why not?” and “how come?” I don’t want to become angry and not be able to share in the joy of seeing my friends get pregnant and have babies. I don’t want to become obsessed with this area of my life and miss out on the wonderful age that Nathan is and the time I have with him right now.
So this is what I’m working on: Patience. I’m working on waiting. And I’m working on learning more of who God is and what His plan for my life entails. Maybe it doesn’t include a house full of kids like I always dreamed of. Maybe it includes only one precious, precious boy. Whatever His plan, I am learning to let go of mine and trust in His.
I am a slow learner.
So, if you wouldn’t mind and if you think of it, would you be praying for me? Pray that I’ll learn to be content with THIS stage in my life. Pray that I will come to know God better and that I will cling to Him even tighter through this struggle. And please pray that He will be gentle with me as I learn these lessons.
And know that I am praying for all of you out there who are in a stage of waiting as well – whether it’s waiting to finish school, waiting for a husband, waiting for a baby or waiting for the next stage in life. If you feel up to it, please leave your prayer requests in the comments so I can be praying for you by name! We’re in this walk together.
Love the Lord and follow His plan for your lives, cling to Him and serve Him enthusiastically. – Joshua 22:5
Love to you,
Hi Erynn,
I can't specifically relate to what your going through, but I do know what its like to be waiting on God and wondering. I'm 17, and I guess these feeling come for everyone. This is my last year of school and while all of my friends seem to already know whats around the bend, I'm still waiting on God to lead me. Trusting is becoming easier, but sometimes I start to question why.
Why does everybody but me seem to know where their going?
Why do I seem to be the only girl who hasn't been asked out yet?
Why do I look in the mirror and not like what I see, and how long will it take me to learn how to love myself? Sometimes these questions hurt, and sometimes I get sick of crying. But I know that it won't last forever. And I know that God's plan is so much bigger than my own. So how about we pray for each other's why's?
God Bless,
Gracie
ps. I think I feel a blog post coming on about this 🙂 Maybe you could check it out http://diaryofaprincess2011.blogspot.com/
Erynn, thank you so much for sharing. I will indeed pray for patience and contentment for you and your family. I will also pray that God grants the desire of your heart for another precious baby!
Thank you for your honest, beautiful post, Erynn. I will be praying for you. 🙂
I will definitely pray for you! We're in the exact same month of waiting on God for a baby 🙂 I know just how you feel. Well, I don't have one yet, but I'm guessing it's both easier and harder that way! God bless!
I will continue praying for you Erynn! God has something amazing in store for you!
Hi Erynn,
I kinda teared up while reading this. I understand waiting. It can stink. I'm not in the waiting for baby part though. But I do understand what you're saying and how you feel. God has finally given me the perfect man. My boyfriend is wonderful. But it was a long, terrible, tear-filled journey to get to this point. And now I'm waiting and asking God the question, "So when can we get married?" Also, I'm in the middle of trying to change jobs. But it's been murder trying to wait for callbacks and everything. 🙁 I understand what you're saying.
I'll be praying for you. 🙂
Love Joy.
It is so wonderful to see someone being honest about this subject. My husband and I have been trying for a baby for over a year now. We just experienced our second loss, and it's so hard not to ask God why. It's so nice to know that I'm not alone in needing patience and understanding on this subject.
Erynn,
I can relate to the waiting part, in the terms I am still praying for my future husband. Waiting for God's timing. But I've finally learned to let go and Let God. He's in control and when the timing is right I'll meet my future husband. I'll be praying that God gives you the desires of your heart, but whatever His plans for you I pray that He gives you the grace, strength, and faith you need.
Carissa
Proverbs 3: 5-6
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
girl. We're kind of on the same path except for I don't have health insurance and my husband and I live with my parents. All we want is a baby and our own place but with money being so tight right now, we can't. When I'm feeling really sad and upset about not being a mommy, I go to that scripture. I know God is helping us and although it's not time for us to have kids, I know He'll tell us when is the right time.
You are an amazing girl and sad trials like what you are going through will make you so much stronger. Just trust in the Lord. 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing this, Erynn. I generally have a hard time sharing my struggles with others, but have recently been overwhelmed with how great it is to share and pray with brothers and sisters in Christ. Sharing openly and honestly seems to have a powerful effect, not only on the person who shares, but the people who hear. So thanks for starting this. 🙂 I will definitely be praying for you!
My current struggle with patience is – What in the world am I going to do with my life? I am graduating college in December, with a degree I love but have no idea what to do with (theatre). I LOVE going to school, but as of yet, I see no signs, saying, "Turn here next." And of course, everyone chooses now to be like, "Hey Jordan, what are you going to do when you graduate?"
"Um, I don't know. Why are you asking me that for the ten millionth time?"
It's so difficult to trust that God knows what he is doing and that he will lead me. But he's proven faithful over and over again. And I really feel like right now needs to be spent focusing on him, growing closer to him, and learning more about who he calls me to be. NOT on worrying about what comes next or daydreaming about what I want to see happen.
So that's me lately!
Some verses that have recently captivated me: "Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Simply put, but extremely challenging to carry out sometimes.
Praying for God to help you learn patience and to find contentment, that you'll be overwhelmed by his love and the beauty of what he has for you right now.
Love,
Jordan
Every time I have come to your blog recently, I keep thinking that you are going to say that you are pregnant. I am so sorry for what you are going through, we have spent the past 11 years trying to get pregnant. We have a beautiful 6 1/2 year old daughter that we adopted at birth, and she is precious and I adore her to pieces. But I still have a longing to feel a life growing inside of my womb, I will be praying for you…Our God is bigger than even the impossible!
Hey Erynn,
I forgot to mention in the post above that I had a dream the other night that you were pregnant. Now, I thought this was a little odd, but….Our God is a big God! Praying for you xxoo
Erynn,
I LOVE your books. (Just finished reading Maya for the second(?) time!) 🙂 And I have enjoyed getting to know you and your sweet family a bit through your blog! I haven't commented a lot, but my heart really goes out to you in your struggles.
Thank you for sharing what you have been going through. It is hard to talk about something like this. I know. I'm right there with you… although my story is a bit different. We have been married almost 7 years and waiting for almost 6 years for God to send us a little one and it hasn't happened yet. Yes, we are in the process of adopting, but that hasn't been an easy decision – or a quick one.
I know infertility is soo hard to deal with. And it is ok to grieve – to be sad, frustrated and even angry. I've been all of that and more. What has been truly amazing to me is how God has used my struggles to allow me to reach out to others – friends I haven't heard from in years, and we reconnect because they are having some of the same struggles.
I'll be praying for you as the Lord brings you to my heart! I'm sure you have a great support system, but you are welcome to email me if you need someone else to talk to who is there. You can also help us pray that our adoption process would continue to go smoothly (and quickly?). 🙂
Blessings!
I also need to trust god more 🙂 Its strange but lately I have been thinking of my future husband, I have always wanted to get married young. Last year I took a year off boys as it was my last year in high school and I wanted to focus on it 🙂 so this year I have allowed my mind to dream of my future husband something that I refused to do last year. So now I can finally date I have been wondering when and if God will present my perfect guy, I have always been one of those girls who only wants to date one guy. So I just have to trust God's better judgement 🙂 I had a feeling that you might be trying for another child and I have a feeling this one will be a girl 🙂
Prayers and hugs
Erin <3
Hi Erynn:
Thank you for sharing and your honesty in expressing your wants and desires. I will lift you up in prayer as you wait on God. It's hard – this waiting thing. Even though I'm not waiting for a baby, I am waiting for a husband. It's hard.
Blessings,
Stacy
Of course I'll pray for you! I'm working on being patient finishing school this spring and waiting to get married in October.
I can kind of sympathize in a different way. We don't want to have kids for awhile because we don't have a lot of money but I am so worried we'll wait so long that I'll be tired and slow by the time my kids are old enough to run around and enjoy life and want mom to go play with them or hike, bike, what have you. But all in due time, God knows what he's about. So keep your chin up, you'll get another wonderful child.
Also, my oldest sister is 8 years older than my the second is 5 years and the third is 2 years. we are all still very close. The two oldest tended to pair off and us two youngest did too but we all are close and can pair off in any arrangement. A big part is my mom raised us to be friends, she didn't let conflict between us tear us apart. There were even times we were grounded together for 2 weeks after a long string of fights! Regardless of the ages, they'll be friends. My sister who is 2 years older than I still do every thing together, were in the same activities in school together and shared a car. He'll be close to his sibling no matter how big the difference is!
I'll be praying for you too. We are pretty much settled on our one son, but a very close friend of mine just went through this same situation, and it was incredibly hard on her. I am happy to say that she has a beautiful three-month old daughter now and just celebrated her son's three-year birthday. She had to do some grieving for the plans she had as far as the timing of her children, and I think that is totally normal. We dont' always know why, but just remember that God's timing is perfect. <3
Hi Erynn!
I will most definitely be praying for you! My prayer request is for a man in my life. I am a freshman in college and I have never been on a date. Ever. Before u have never truly felt ready for a relationship, but now I do and it's really hard waiting for God to bring His guy to me. Like you I want to thoroughly enjoy this season of my life but it's so hard not to think about the fact that I really want a relationship. If you would send up a quick prayer for me that would be absolutely wonderful!
I love you.
Hi Erynn,
I am praying for you and I know that whatever happens, God is with you and will give you His peace.
I have been feeling the same way lately about a husband. I am nineteen years old and all I want for the future is to find a wonderful man who loves the Lord and loves me, and get married and raise a family. But I have never even been on a date. It is something I've been spending a lot of time in prayer about lately, and I'd love it if you could pray for me too, that I can be at peace no matter what God has in store for me.
Thanks, and I'm praying 🙂
Katie
Hey friend. I love you and I am going to write you an email right now!!!!!! 🙂
Love you dear friend! Sent you a message via what's app ♥
Kaitlin
Hi Erynn!
Thanks for sharing! I am also waiting and know that God has something great planned but I am impatient.
Praying for you that you find contentment and patience in this stage of your life and that God will give you what you most desire! : )
I understand exactly what you are going through. My husband and I have been trying for a year to get pregnant. Keep praying and believe that God is in control.
Praying! Waiting is so hard. I'm in a waiting period too, and I will keep you in my prayers when I'm feeling my own impatience.
Thanks for sharing with us.
Hi Erynn,
Thank you for sharing…know that I will be praying for you!
I have struggled with contentment myself, only with wanting a loving man to come into my life. I'm still young, but it's my heart's desire to have a family of my own one day, too. I haven't even been on a date yet, but I know that God's timing is better than my own (even though I am impatient a lot – or most – of the time). So it is hard to just wait, and trust God…but I have to remember that it's worth it. So, if you think of it, please pray for me too – for contentment and patience and trust (in God).
Thank you for offering to pray :).
God is in control, and He loves you more than you could ever imagine!! He will take care of you <3.
Here is a verse I really like when I'm feeling down:
"So, Lord, what hope do I have? You are my hope." -Psalm 39:7 (NCV)
Blessings to you and your family…I will be praying for you!
Love,
Madison
Praying for you, Erynn! God bless you!
Erynn,
I read your blog often and rarely comment, but I felt so blessed by your honesty in this post! I have experienced disappointment and waiting, and know it can be terribly hard to cope when dreams fail or are postponed. I am praying for you, dear sister in Christ! I have been blessed so often by your writing (in books and blogs), and I pray that God will be blessing you in return.
Rachel
I also struggle with contentment a lot. God hasn't let you down thus far. You will probably be able to look back and see why God had you wait. Who knows. Maybe He needs you to write a few more books first. I know he is working out his wonderful plan for your life. And life becomes way harder with 2. Lol I'm lucky if I get to sit down and read for 30 min. I don't know how I'd have time to write! I'm praying for you though for sure 🙂
Am not that great with words, and it it very hard for me to be open with others and myself with struggles that we deal with. But your post hit home with me, not in terms of baby but waiting for direction of what's next in life, will i find husband, what is wrong with me etc. Will be praying for you as you can for me.
Two months ago I was diagnosed with having Polycystic ovarian syndrome. (PCOS). It's a common female hormone problem and etc. I have two and thankfully cheap medications for it. My boyfriend (my eventual husband) isn't worried about us having future fertility problems. But it's on the back of my mind at times.
I'm 29 and he's 32. I don't think we're going to be able to get married this year because of our financial situation. I realize some women in their early 40s have kids. However, what if my age turns out to be an issue too?
I know there's fertility meds if we need those but I rather not end up with sextuplets lol.
Maybe it's a blessing that you are going to have kids farther apart? My niece is almost through her terrible twos and she has been a real handful at times lol.
Dear Erynn! I will certainly pray for you. While I can't strictly identify with what you're going through, I do know that waiting can be tough. Just remember that God "is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us…" (Ephesians 3:20).
Keep your chin up, girl, and look for life's little blessings 🙂
Erynn, I love your blog and read it often. It is very encouraging to me. I am praying for you. I completely understand where your are coming from with the patience and contentment. God has been teaching me patience for a while now and how to be content with what He has already given me. Let me just say me and patience do not get along sometimes. I am a college student and so many times I catch myself ready to meet the guy and move onto the next chapter of my life. Everyday it seems that He teaches me more about being content with where I am. I just have to remember that He is in control and knows the bigger picture.
Erynn, Praying for you so much during this time! I know the Lord has great plans and I am confident He is going to use this in your life so that you can minister to others about what they're going through. He has given you a voice and so now he's giving you experience in areas and the authority to share on it. Anyway, pray for my patience in waiting for my husband.. it's a hard wait, but I'm confident the Lord has this season for a good reason!
Ashlin
Thanks for sharing, I'm praying for you Erynn and the other commenters, for contentment and comfort in this season.
I've also been in a season of waiting, and just yesterday had a little teary-eyed-session with the Lord because of feelings of discontentment. I'm learning to be more grateful for what I do have and patient in waiting for new relationships (stronger friendships, a husband), getting more clarity and progress in my dreams. I'm glad that even in our difficult circumstances we are not alone and there's a way to grow deeper and closer to the Lord.
Hi Erynn!
I loved your post. I am afraid I have not quite made it to your stage just yet. I do understand waiting though.
Our Father and I are having many heart-to-hearts about my waiting for the man He has for me. Many a day I have burst into tears. I wish I could say it is getting easier and I no longer worry, but some days I'm just not feeling as patient as I ought to be. I know He will allow things to happen in His own time, I am just trying to be patient as I wait.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
Thank you for being so open and honest with us. I will pray for your strength in the Lord. I belive that God allows us to go through certain experiences so that the fruit of the Spirit has the opportunity to ripen in us.
Be blessed.
Erynn,
Thank you so much for sharing this. I know from experience how hard it is to be honest and vulnerable about the things that we hold closest to us. I am praying for you and Jon in this time of waiting, and I hope that God blesses you abundantly! You share God's light and joy with every word you write, and I know He has amazing plans for your family. 🙂
I am in a season of waiting, too. I am about to finish my degree and I have no idea what I am supposed to do next, as I believe God has called me to write but I know that doesn't pay the bills. I have also been waiting for my future husband, and at almost 26, it's hard not to wonder if he'll ever show up! I believe in God's perfect timing, but watching many of my (younger) friends get married gets harder every year. I could definitely use an extra dose of contentment and less worry!
I love that you are so willing to share, even though it was hard for you. You are an encouragement and a blessing!
Hey Erynn,
I'm loving the honesty in this post! It's awesome that we can trust that when we are vulnerable within the body of Christ, we will be met with love and prayer! I read this blog post a while ago, and since then I've been debating whether or not to suggest a book to you. (I don't want to sound like I'm telling you what to do because I'm thinking you're probably already knowledgeable about this subject!) But it's called "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler. I have such a greater understanding of my cycle now and when I can/ cannot get pregnant! And it makes so much sense.
I'll be praying that you're finding peace in the Lord and His plan!
Love, Annie